Friday's Funnies

 Billion-dollar idea

A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell, "I'm just cooking!"

Cancel The Order

A customer sent a large order to a distributor. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid so they sent a message: "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one." The next day the reply came: "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

Uncle's Bad Memory

My husband's uncle thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and, also, their anniversary. He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband." His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention. This worked perfectly, for a while at least. Then one day he came home, saw a bouquet, kissed his wife, and asked offhandedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where did you get them?

Super Dress

Shortly after the birth of their second child, a husband offered to take his wife shopping for a new dress. He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated. As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband's opinion. By this time, he had learned just the right things to say. "It's perfect!" he exclaimed. "It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer, and slenderizes your hips." Just then another lady in the dressing room spoke out. "If there is a dress here that will do that, I'll buy them all!"

Which one would you choose?

You're driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass a bus stop and see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old woman, who looks as if she's about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The man / woman of your dreams.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing there could only be one passenger in your car. Think before you continue reading. This is a moral / ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old woman because she is going to die; thus, you should save her first. Or, you could pick up the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him / her back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again. The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. WHAT DID HE SAY? He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the old woman the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."

You might be a redneck if... (from cuzin' Joe)

1. Your standard of living improves when you go camping.
2. Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.
3. You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.
4. You have a relative living in your garage.
5. Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.
6. There is a belch on your answering machine greeting.
7. You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.
8. None of the tires on your van are the same size.
9. You hold up the hood of your car with your head while you work on it.
10. Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade.
11. Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.
12. Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet.
13. You've slow danced in the Waffle House.
14. Starting your car involves popping the hood.
15. Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.
16. You actually wear shoes your dog brought home.
17. You've been in a fist fight at a yard sale.
18. You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the back.

The Businessman

 A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort, he went to a pastor and poured out his story of tears and woe. When he had finished, the pastor said, "Here's what I want you to do, put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally, the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do." A year later the businessman went back to the pastor and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom- tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, and the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket and gave it to the pastor as a donation in thanks for his advice. The pastor recognized the benefactor and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked. "Absolutely," replied the businessman. "You went to the beach?" "Absolutely." "You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?" "Absolutely." "You let the pages rifle until they  stopped?" "Absolutely." "And what were the first words you saw?" "Chapter 11."

Not Paying Attention

The math teacher saw that Harold wasn't paying attention in class so she called on him and said, "Harold! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Lil Harold quickly replied, "NBC, ESPN, Hallmark, and the Cartoon Network."

Dad Joke

My wife and I had a long argument about whose turn it was to do the laundry. In the end, I threw in the towel.

Today’s Thought

I burn about 2000 calories every time I put on fitted sheets by myself.