Friday's Funnies

 Dieting

The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat; it's watching what other people eat.

Rookie Drill Instructor

A rookie drill instructor escorted his first batch of new recruits to the mess hall. He told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!" Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?" Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Sergeant!"

Turtle Wreck

A snail hitched a ride with a friendly turtle. As they reached an intersection another turtle came along and rammed into them! A cop came and questioned the snail: "What happened here?" The little snail replied, "I don't know -- it all happened so fast… "

Counting Your Chickens

A farmer's son was returning from the market with a crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him when, all of a sudden, the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in all different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst. "Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly. "But I managed to find all twelve of them." "Well, you've done a good job, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."

Very Punny

• When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
• His parents through he was a budding genius, but he turned out to be a blooming idiot.
• He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
• You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
• The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
• He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
• When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
• Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
• A backward poet writes inverse.

Suffering?

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."

50^th Anniversary

A group of people were attending an anniversary party and the group leader was asking who there was celebrating more than 40 years together. One man stated he was celebrating his 50th anniversary. The group leader said that was great, and how did he and his wife manage to arrive at that great mile marker? The man said for his 25th he bought his wife flowers, candy and took her to Hawaii. That's great, the group leader responded, and what are you going to do for your 50th anniversary? The man responded, “I am going back to pick her up!”

Who's There?

A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the little ones' chests would plug the stethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own hearts. Their eyes would always light up with awe. But she never got a response to equal four-year-old David's. Gently he tucked the stethoscope in his ears and placed the disk over his heart. "Listen", she said, "What do you suppose that is?" He drew his eyebrows together in a puzzled line and looked up as if lost in the mystery of the strange tap-tap-tapping deep in his chest. Then his face broke out in a wondrous grin and said, "Is that Jesus knocking?"

Retired Brother

My wife was chatting with her brother, a business executive who had retired last year. While discussing the joys of his new leisure time, he remarked that he had been compelled to give up skiing, a sport he had enjoyed for many years.  "Why did you quit skiing? Are you afraid of injuries?" my wife asked.  "I am now!" her brother responded. "Before, I could have a cast at work and still get the job done. But now a cast would mess up my golf game!"

Rude Awakening

The youth pastor fell asleep in the staff meeting. So we laid some clothes on the chairs and exited quietly. Then we blew a trumpet.

Have You Ever Considered....

• Do people "down under" in Australia call the rest of the world "up over?"
• How come wrong numbers are never busy?
• Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
• Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
• How do you get off a non-stop flight?
• How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
• If swimming is good for your shape then why do the whales look the way they do?
• Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
• Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called "rush" hour?

Dad Joke

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Today’s Thought

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.