Friday's Funnies

 Personal Statistics

 

I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. Recently, after I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The ER nurse asked for my height and weight, and I responded in a serious tone, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds." While the nurse pondered this information, my mother leaned over to me ... "Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet."

“Helpful Information”

 

My husband suggests that I sleep when we take road trips.  But then who would give him helpful information like, “the light is red!” or “that car is stopping!”?

 

Vocabulary Words

 

One evening while I was preparing dinner, my daughter came into the kitchen asking for homework help on her vocabulary words. "Mom," she asked, "what's a quarter horse?" As I thought of a simple explanation, my five-year-old son piped up, "It's the one they have in front of the grocery store."

Spelling Bee

 

Teacher:  Class, we are going to have a spelling bee this morning.
Teacher:  Michael, spell "orange".
Michael:  Hmmm, do you mean the fruit or the color?

Shingles

 

A man walked into a doctor's office. "What do you have?" the receptionist asked. "Shingles," he replied.
She told him to sit down. Soon a nurse called him and asked, "What do you have?" "Shingles," he replied. She took his blood pressure, weight, and complete medical history. Then she took him to a room and told him to remove all of his clothes. After a few minutes the doctor came in and asked, What do you have?" "Shingles," the man told him. The doctor looked him up and down and said, "Where?" "Out on the truck. Where do you want me to unload them?"

 

Airheads

 

Two airhead carpenters are nailing new siding to a house. About half of the nails that carpenter #1 pulls out of his bag of nails are tossed over his shoulder. The others are successfully used to put up the siding.  Carpenter #2 asks, "What are you doing?!?" The first carpenter replies, "I can't use about half of these nails because they're pointed in the wrong direction!" The second carpenter tells him, "Don't be stupid. Those are for the other side of the house!"

Appropriate Baby Names

Lawyer's daughter: Sue
Thief's son: Rob
Lawyer's son: Will
Fisherman's daughter: Annette
Meteorologist's daughter: Haley
Steam shovel operator's son: Doug
Hairdresser's son: Bob
Gourmet chef's son: Herb
Justice of the peace's daughter: Mary
Sound stage technician's son: Mike
Hot dog vendor's son: Frank
Gambler's daughter: Bette
Gambler's son: Chip
Exercise guru's son: Jim
Astronomer's daughter: Skye
Cattle thief's son: Russell
Painter's son: Art
Iron worker's son: Rusty
TV star's daughter: Emmy
Movie star's son: Oscar
Barber's son: Harry

This town is so small…

...the city jail is called Amoeba, because it only has one cell.
...the New Year's baby was born in October.
...there's no place to go that you shouldn't.
...Main Street is one block long and dead ends in both directions.
...Second Street is in the next town over.
...the ZIP code is a fraction.
...a "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes.

Post Office

I got a big envelope in the mail that had written on the front, "Photographs: Do Not Bend." Underneath the mailman wrote, "Oh, yes they do."

50^th Anniversary

On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage. The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no 'I' in the word 'marriage.'" The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."

Dad Joke

Just found out the company that produces yardsticks won't be making them any longer.

Today’s Thought

Why hire someone with a divining rod to find water when a kid with new shoes will do it for free?