Friday's Funnies

 Vacation

 

Linda and Marion were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business. "I started a new practice last year," Linda said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months." "Why in the world would you do that?" Marion asked. "It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without," Linda said.

Song Writer

I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines. He is a Singer song writer. Or sew it seams.

 

Two Crows

 

Two crows were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked like a man in the distance. "See that over there? What is that?" asks the first crow. The second crows takes a long look and then says, "That's a scarecrow. Looks authentic, doesn't it?" "How can you tell it's a scarecrow and not a person?" replies the first crow. "Look at its hands," says the second crow. "It's not holding a mobile phone."

 

Crazy Thoughts

 

2,000 pounds of human hair en route to a wig factory fell onto the highway when the truck carrying it overturned. No one was injured, and everyone is looking for clues as to why the accident happened. State Police, in fact, are still combing the area.

Curious as to why cowboys always want to "die with their boots on," a greenhorn from the city asked one of them one day. "Well," said the cowboy, "I reckon it's so we won't hurt our toes when we kick the bucket."

I've always wanted to be the guy who tests the mattresses. It seems like such a dream job.

My uncle was arrested for throwing bombs off a boat, but they dropped the charges.

If we're not careful to conserve our water resources, we could go from one ex-stream to another.

If you trade a sausage for a sea bird, have you taken a tern for the wurst?

 

Fighting Boys

 

I was the substitute youth leader at a local synagogue when two boys who were fighting were brought to me.  They were brothers.  I asked what's the problem?  The first answered, "He called me ugly!!"  The second one said, "That was after you said I had a face like a frog!"  I tried very hard not to laugh... they were identical twins!

Q & A

 

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one. 

How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.

How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.

What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.

 

Unnecessary Inventions

 

There is a famous saying which states that "necessity is the mother of invention," however the inventions on this list seem far from necessary.

Colored Elastics For Braces:
As if the braces didn't make your mouth stand out enough.

Crayons That Smell:
Oh, good, let's give kids another reason to eat them.

Juicers:
Carrot-peach-avocado-rhutabaga-pomegranate-yam juice was not meant to be.

Colored Contact Lenses:
Oh, yeah, purple is such a natural eye color.

Fake Eyelashes:
You shouldn't be able to braid your eyelashes.

Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers:
Kleenex does not get chilly.

Heated and/or Padded Toilet Seats:
Your not supposed to spend the day there. Comfort should not be a pressing concern. Get in, do your thing, and get out.

Doggie Sweaters:
Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers.

City Preacher

 

Having grown up just outside New York City, I barely knew a cow from an ear of corn. Until, that is, I married a small-town Ohio girl. While I was in seminary school, I had a temporary assignment at a church in a rural community. The day of my first sermon, I tried very hard to fit in. Maybe too hard.  With my wife sitting in the first pew, I began my discourse: "I never saw a cow until I met my wife… "

 

Dad Joke

I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.’

 

Today’s Thought

The best way to get ahead is to use the one you've got.