Friday's Funnies

 Parents’ Note

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read: "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

 

Sound Smart

Dropping Latin phrases into conversations to make me sound smart is my modus operandi.

 

Miracle Products

Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. "Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

 

Golf Clubs at Wedding

A man and woman are standing at the altar, waiting to be married, when the bride-to-be looks at her prospective groom and sees a set of golf clubs standing next to him. "What on earth are you doing with those golf clubs?" she whispers. "Well," he says, "this won't take all afternoon, will it?"

Church Elders

A pastor wanted to find out how the children were coming along in their Bible classes. So he visited one of them to ask the children a few Bible related questions. "Billy, tell me who tore down the walls of Jericho?" asked the pastor. Billy replied very seriously, "Pastor, I don't know who did it, but I sure do know I didn't do it!" The pastor left the room stunned. It troubled him so much that he decided to tell one of his best elders what Billy said. The elder thought for a moment and said, "Well, pastor, let me tell you. I know the boy and his family real well. If he said he didn't tear it down, you can be assured he didn't do it. I say we forget the whole thing and use the money in the miscellaneous fund to rebuild it."

Proofreaders Needed

Did I read that sign right?

"TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW."

 

In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS...

 

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

 

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

 

Outside a second-hand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

 

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS...

 

Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

 

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.

 

Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

 

Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

 

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)

 

Rookie Drill Instructor

A rookie drill instructor escorted his first batch of new recruits to the mess hall. He told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!" Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?" Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"

Any Difference?

My husband has always had a beard. One day, he decided to shave it off. He came into the room where my 5-year-old daughter Samantha was and asked her, "Notice anything different?" To which she replied, "No," with a puzzled look on her face. My husband then said to her, "My beard's gone." Now the puzzled look disappeared, and the innocent eyes appeared when she said, "I didn't take it!"

 

Dad Joke

Do not accept a friend request from Hormel Foods. It could be spam.

 

Today’s Thought

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you're a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you're a vegetarian.