Friday's Funnies

 Names

 

If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything:

Stamps = Lickie Stickie

Defibrillators = Hearty Starty

Bumble bees = Fuzzy Buzzy

Pregnancy test = Maybe Baby

Fork= Stabby Grabby

Socks = Feetie Heatie

Hippo = Floatie Bloatie

Nightmare = Screamy Dreamy

 

Murphy's Technology Laws

 

·         Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

·         All's well that ends.

·         A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

·         New systems generate new problems.

·         The faster a computer is, the faster it will spew out garbage.

·         The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.

·         To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.

·         After all is said and done, a lot more is said than done.

·         Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.

·         If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.

·         Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.

·         Any attempt to print Murphy's laws will jam the printer.

 

Construction Site Wits

 

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got." Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

 

Old Family Bible

 

A little boy found the old family Bible and started thumbing through the pages. As he was turning the yellowed pages, a pressed tree leaf fell out.  He exclaimed, "Hey, this must be where Adam and Eve left their clothes!"

Misinterpretations

 

~ My son, who is in nursery school, said, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, how didja know my name?"

 

~ When my twin daughters were young, I taught them to say the Lord's Prayer before going to bed.  As I listened outside their door, I could hear them say, "Give us this steak and daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses."

 

~ I remember thinking it said "Give us this day our jelly bread."

 

~ I recall reading something years ago about the Pledge of Allegiance. Some child thought it began, "I led the pigeons to the flag."

 

~ When I was little, I often wondered who Richard Stands was. You know: "I pledge allegiance to the flag. And to the republic for Richard Stands."

 

~ When my husband was 6 years old, he thought a certain Prayer was "He suffered under a bunch of violets." The real words were "under Pontius Pilate," but at that age, he didn't know better. To this day, we still snicker in church whenever that prayer is read.

 

~ When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion.  On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?" Mom whispered something in his ear.  Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your seat."

 

~ When I was younger, I believed the line was "Lead a snot into temptation." I thought I was praying for my little sister to get into trouble.

 

Oklahoma State Trooper

 

An Oklahoma State trooper pulled a car over on I-44 about 10 miles east of Oklahoma City. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Tulsa Oklahoma to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late. The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a pickup pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A good old farm boy got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the man what he thought he was doing. The man replied, “I ain’t been drinkin’, but you might as well take me to jail, ‘cause, even sober, there ain't no way I can pass that test.”

 

Dad Joke

 

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

 

Today’s Thought

 

That moment when your steak is on the grill, and you can already feel your mouth watering. Do vegans feel the same way when mowing the lawn?