Friday's Funnies

 Stranded

 

A man was stranded on the proverbial deserted Pacific Island for years. Finally, one day a boat comes sailing into view, and the man frantically waves and draws the skipper's attention. The boat comes near the island and the sailor gets out and greets the stranded man.  After a while the sailor asks, "What are those three huts you have here?" "Well, that's my house there." "What's that next hut?" asks the sailor. "I built that hut to be my church." "What about the other hut?" "Oh, that's where I used to go to church."

The Dim Defendant

The judge read the charges, then asked, "Are you the defendant in this case?" "No sir, your honor, sir," replied Bob, "I've got a lawyer to do the defendin'. I'm the guy who done it."

Explains A Lot

Caller:  "There's something wrong with my password. Whenever I type it, it just shows stars."
Help Desk:  "Those asterisks are to protect you. If someone is standing behind you, they can't read your password."
Caller:  "Yeah, but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."

Briefs

 

This is the first year I'm not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. I usually don't go because I'm poor.

A sure way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

Remember: Stressed spelled backwards is desserts.

 

The Campers

Two city boys were on their first camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce the boys had to hide under their blankets to keep from being devoured. When they saw some lightning bugs, one boy said to the other: "We might as well give up, they're coming at us with flashlights!"

The Piano Tuner

I was servicing a customer's piano and their 2-1/2 year old son stood there for a while watching. Then he asked me, "What are you going to be when you grow up?" Made my day!

Visitation

 

A pastor goes to a nursing home for the first time to visit an elderly parishioner. As he is sitting there, he notices a bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one. As they continue their conversation, he can't help himself and eats one after another. By the time they are through visiting, the bowl is empty. He says, "Mrs. Jones, I'm so sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts." "That's okay," she says. "They would have just sat there anyway. Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back in the bowl."

 

Fixed!

An auto mechanic received a repair order: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners." Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn and heard a 'clunk.' He then made a left turn and again heard a 'clunk.' Back at the shop he soon discovered the problem. He returned the repair order to the service manager with the notation: "Removed bowling ball from trunk."

Flashback

The passenger tapped the Uber driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the car, then the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as an Uber driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 15 years."

Where Is He Now?

I had trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead and asked my husband, "Oh no, have you seen this?" "What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"

 

Complicated Breakfast Order

 

A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and said with a wonderful and cheerful smile. "Good morning, sir. What a wonderful morning I'd like two boiled eggs, one of them so under cooked it's runny, and the other so over cooked it's tough and hard to eat. Also, grilled bacon that has been left out so it gets a bit on the cold side; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm." "That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult." The guest replied, "Oh? I don't understand -- that's what I got yesterday!"

Tea

 

By replacing your morning coffee with green tea, you can lose up to 87% of what little joy you still have left in your life.

 

In For Analysis

A guy tells his psychiatrist, "I always have this weird dream at night. I am locked in a room with a door on which there is a sign. I try to push it with all my strength, but no matter how hard I try, it won't budge." The psychiatrist muses, "Interesting. But tell me, what does the sign on the door say?" The guy replies, "It says, 'Pull.'"

Today’s Though

 

I've changed my mind a dozen times. It seems to work better now.