Friday's Funnies

 Overweight

 

When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, "Ha! That's not going to help!" I replied, "Sure, it does. It's the only way I can see the numbers."

 

Neighbors

 

While a woman was out of town, a neighbor came to borrow a fancy pie pan.  Of course the woman's husband was happy to lend it to her. The pie pan was returned a few days later filled with an apple pie.  When the woman asked her husband where the pie came from, he told her about the loan and explained: "Our neighbor said she never returns something without filling it up." "Good!" the woman replied. "You should let her borrow our checkbook."

 

Financial Planning

 

Just went over my bank account and figured out I can live comfortably if I quit my job, without working the rest of my life, as long as I die on Friday.

 

Chinese New Year Dinner

 

Our Chinese New Year dinner included fortune cookies. I had 2 cookies. The message in the first cookie was: "You inspire others with your principles."  And, in case I became too inflated with myself, the second one was: "Improve yourself. Practice makes perfect." Humbled for another year!

 

Hairdresser Second Job

 

Many people hold down two jobs, so I wasn't surprised when my hairdresser mentioned to me that he also worked part-time at the race track. "That's interesting," I said. "What do you do?" As he finished styling my hair, he replied, "I groom horses."

 

Morning Sickness

 

Pregnant with my third child, I was stricken with a bout of morning sickness and lay down on the living-room couch to rest. Just then one of the workmen who was doing repairs in my house walked by and gave me a curious look.  "Taking a little break," I explained. "I'm in my first trimester."  "Really?" he said. "What's your major?"

Parental Excuses

 

These are actual excuse notes from parents excusing their children from missing school (includes original spelling):

 

~ My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

~ Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

~ Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

~ Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

~ John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

~ Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

~ Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

~ Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

~ Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

~ Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

~ Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

~ I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

~ Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

~ Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

~ Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

 

Preacher

 

The Baptist preacher just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church. After shaking a few adult hands he came upon the seven year old son of one of the Deacons of the church. "Good morning, Jonathan," the preacher said as he reached out to shake Jonathan's hand. As he was doing so he felt something in the palm of Jonathan's hand. "What's this?" the preacher asked. "Money," said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, "It's for you!" "I don't want to take your money, Jonathan," the preacher answered. "I want you to have it," said Jonathan. After a short pause Jonathan continued, "My daddy says you're the poorest preacher we ever had and I want to help you."

 

Exam

 

A high school student stared thoughtfully at the second question on his exam, which read, "State the number of tons of coal shipped out of America in any given year." Suddenly, his brow cleared, and he wrote, "1492: None."

 

Moral Lesson

 

A mother wanted to teach her daughter a moral lesson. She gave the girl a quarter and a dollar for church. "Put whichever one you want in the collection plate and keep the other for yourself," she told the girl. Sunday, when they were coming out of the church, the mother asked her daughter which amount she had given. "Well," said the little girl, "I was going to give the dollar, but just before the collection the preacher said that God loves a cheerful giver. I knew I'd be a lot more cheerful if I gave the quarter, so that's what I did."

 

Dad Joke

 

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the

other: "You stay here; I'll go on a head."

 

Today’s Thought

 

A co-worker asked me, “Could you be any more annoying?” So, the next day I wore tap shoes to work.