Friday's Funnies

 Too Old To Trick Or Treat

 

You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:

10. You keep knocking on your own front door.

9. You remove your false teeth to change your appearance.

8. You ask for soft, high fiber candy only.

7. Someone drops a candy bar in your bag and you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," and you're not wearing a mask.

5. The door opens, you yell "Trick or..." but you can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that doesn't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You keep having to go home to use the bathroom.

 

Yearly Physical

 

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basics. "How much do you weigh?" she asked. "135," I said. The nurse put me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180. The nurse asked, "Your height?" "5 foot 6," I said. The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5 foot 2 inches. She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high. "Of course it's high!" I screamed. "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

 

Learn The First Time

 

One day an employee came into work with both of his ears bandaged. His boss asked him what happened to his ears. "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!" "Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what about the other?" "They called back."

 

Seen In The Cafeteria

 

At work, my dad noticed that the name of an employee was the same as an old friend. He found the man's e-mail address and sent him a message. When Dad received a reply, he was insulted and fired back another e-mail: "I have put on some weight, but I didn't realize it was that noticeable." His friend's hastily typed message, with an apparent typo, had read: "Hi, Ron. I didn't know you worked here, but I did see a gut that looked like you in the cafeteria."

 

Excuses Why People Don't Go To Church - Applied Elsewhere

Everybody has a good excuse for not attending church. If you take those excuses and apply them to other things we do (or don't do), like eating, they might look like this list. I don't eat anymore because:

1. I was forced to eat as a child.
2. People who eat all the time are hypocrites; they aren't really hungry.
3. There are so many different kinds of food, I can't decide what to eat.
4. I used to eat, but I got bored and stopped.
5. I only eat on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter.
6. None of my friends will eat with me.
7. I'll start eating when I get older.
8. I don't really have time to eat.
9. I don't believe that eating does anybody any good. It's just a crutch.
10. Restaurants and grocery stores are only after your money.

Handy Guide To Modern Science

 

1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's Biology.

2. If it stinks, it's Chemistry.

3. If it doesn't work, it's Physics.

 

Chocolate Voices

 

When I look at chocolate, I hear two voices in my head. The first one says, "You need to eat the chocolate.” The second one says, "You heard. Eat the chocolate."

 

Baseball in Heaven

 

Two seventy year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sam is dying, so Moe comes to visit him. "Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives. Sam, you gotta do me one favor. When you go, somehow you've got to find a way to get a message to me to tell me if there's baseball in heaven." Sam looks up at Moe from his deathbed and says, "Moe, you've been my friend many years. This favor I'll try to do for you." And with that Sam passes on. It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when a distant voice calls out to him, "Moe...Moe..." "Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly, "Who is it?" "Moe, it's Sam." "Come on. You're not Sam. Sam died." said Moe, coming awake. "I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!" "Sam? Is that you? Where are you?" asks Moe. "I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've gotta tell you, I've got some good news and some bad news." "Tell me the good news first," says Moe. "The good news is that there is baseball in heaven." "Really?" says Moe, "That's wonderful! What's the bad news? "You're pitching Tuesday!"

Bad Sign

 

A little boy just couldn't learn. One day his teacher asked him who signed the Declaration of Independence. He didn't know. For almost a week she asked him the same question every day, but still he couldn't come up with the right answer. Finally, in desperation, she called the boy's father to her office. "Your boy won't tell me who signed the Declaration of Independence," she complained. "Come here, son, and sit down," the dad said to the boy. "Now if you signed that crazy thing, just admit it so we can get out of here!"

 

Dad Joke

 

A customer walks into a dress shop and ask, "May I try on that dress in the window?" The salesperson replies, "We prefer you use the dressing rooms."

Today’s Thought

 

It's that time of year when I get to pretend the 5-pound bag of candy I'm buying is for trick-or-treaters.