Friday's Funnies

 

Project Picture

 

My 12-year-old daughter asked me, "Mom, do you have a baby picture of yourself? I need it for a school project."  I gave her one without thinking to ask what the project was.  A few days later I was in her classroom for a parent-teacher meeting when I noticed my face pinned to a mural the students had created.  The title of their project was: "The oldest thing in my house."

In The Library

 

A not-so-smart person walks up to the counter and says: "I'd like a cheeseburger, fries and a Diet Coke."
The man behind the counter says "Look around! This is a LIBRARY!"  "Oh, how silly of me." says the person. She then begins whispering, "I'd like a cheeseburger, fries and a Diet Coke..."

Brief Ceremony

 

After the benediction, he had planned to call the couple down for a brief ceremony in front of the congregation. For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married. "Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested. Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

 

Practice What You Preach

 

A baseball manager who had an ulcer went to see his doctor for a checkup. "Remember," the doctor said, "don't get excited, don't get mad, and forget about baseball when you're off the field."  Then he added, "By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and two men out in the ninth?"

 

Genie

 

Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp. They rub it, and a genie appears.  "I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.  The first dinosaur thinks hard.   "Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."  Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.  Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.  "I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"  Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.  The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.  "I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"

 

First Aid

 

"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door.  "It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm Street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank goodness I took that first aid course -- all my training came back to me in a flash."  "What did you do?" asks the bartender.  "I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

Carpooling to Work

 

Carpooling to work, a man got increasingly stressed with each trip. After a week of panic attacks, he went to the doctor.  "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic and even in the dark after a long day," the man explained. "But when I go through the tunnels with those three other guys, I feel like I'm gonna explode. Am I crazy?"  "Not at all," the doctor said. "You just have Car-pool Tunnel Syndrome."

First Day

 

Little Johnny was thrilled when his turn came to enter kindergarten. To make sure he had plenty of time to eat breakfast and get ready on the first day, his mother woke everybody up early -- so early that it was still dark.  After looking outside Little Johnny went down the hall and found his mother dressing in the bedroom. He looked so troubled that his mother asked, "What's wrong?" mustering as much cheerfulness into her voice as she could at that hour. "This is your big day!"  Little Johnny blurted, "You didn't tell me I was going to night school."

You're Lost Between Baby Boomer And Generation X If... Part 3

 

1. You learned to swim at about the same time "Jaws" came out....and still carry the emotional scars to prove it.

2. You remember when your cable TV box had a sliding selector switch... and your "cable remote" was connected to the TV by CORD!

3. Your jaw would ache by the time you finished one of those brick-sized packages of Bazooka.

4. You remember Bo and Luke Duke, Daisy, Boss Hogg, or--worst of all--what Sheriff Roscoe's full name was.

5. Your parents paid $2,000 for a top-loading VCR that was almost the size of a coffee table.

6. You found nothing strange about Bert and Ernie living together.

7. You remember having a rotary phone.

8. You actually believed that Mikey--famed kid on the Life cereal commercials--died after eating Pop Rocks and drinking a Coke.

9. "Members Only" jackets...say no more.

10. And lastly, I'll make a song stick in your head for the rest of the day:...you actually remember the words to the theme song of "The Greatest American Hero."

Dad’s Joke

 

A generous army general walked into a bar and ordered everyone around.

 

Today’s Thought

 

Humans are 90% water – basically cucumbers with anxiety.