Friday's Funnies

 

New House

 

Little Chad: "So your family got a new house! How do you like it?"

Little Jon: "It's terrific! I have my own room, Billy has his own room, and Jenny has her own room. But poor Mom is still in with Dad."

 

Spelling

 

Teacher: "And how did you spend your summer vacation?"

Pupil: "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."

Teacher: "Very good. Can you tell the class how to spell that?"

Pupil: "Actually, I think we went to Ohio."

 

Wrong Answer

 

COP: Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?

ME:   If you forgot, then I'm not reminding you.

COP: Step out of the vehicle.

 

Homework

 

"Michael, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand. "My dog ate it," was his solemn response.  "Michael, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?"  "It's true, Miss Martin, I swear it is," insisted Michael. "I had to smear it with honey, but I finally got him to eat it."

 

Worm Science

 

A science teacher decided to conduct an experiment to show his students the benefits of a healthy lifestyle. He took four jam jars. In jar one he put cigarette smoke. In jar two, alcohol. In jar three junk food and in jar four good clean dirt. He then put an earthworm into each jar, sealed them and put them in a cupboard.  At the end of a week he took the jars out and showed them to the students, saying. "Look, the worm in the cigarette smoke is dead, the worm in the alcohol is dead, and the worm in the junk food is dead. However, the worm in the dirt is alive and well. What do we learn from this?"  One young student put up his hand and said, "If we smoke, drink alcohol and eat junk food, we won't get worms."

 

Part 2 - You're Lost Between Baby Boomer And Generation X If...

 

1. You had a crush on Ted the photographer on "Love Boat," Gage from "Emergency," or Ponch from "CHIPS."

 

2. Your hair at some point in time in the '80s could only be described by saying, "I was experimenting."

 

3. You've ever shopped at Benetton.

 

4. You remember trying to guess which episode of "The Brady Bunch" it was by the first scene.

 

5. You recall when Love's Baby Soft was in every girl's Christmas stocking.

 

6. You were unsure if Diet Coke would ever catch on. (Related item: you were sure that "New Coke" would NEVER catch on.)

 

7. You know all the words to the double-album set of the "Grease" soundtrack.

 

8. You sat with your friends on any given Friday night circa 1982 and dialed 867-5309 to see if Jenny was actually there.

 

9. "All skate, change directions" means something to you.

 

10. You've ever owned a pair of rainbow suspenders like the ones Mork used to wear.

 

Go Forth, Be Fruitful And Multiply

 

Noah opens up the ark and let all the animals out, announcing to them all to follow God's command and "Go forth, be fruitful and multiply."  He's about to close the great doors of the ark when he notices that there are two snakes sitting in a dark corner and not making a move to leave. So he says to them, "Didn't you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and multiply."  The snakes reply, "That command doesn't apply to us."  Noah shakes his head and asks why.  "We don't multiply," said the snakes, "we're adders."

 

Not At Work

 

My boss didn't come in to work today. He called this morning and said he was having a vision problem.

When I asked what was wrong, he replied, "I just can't see myself at work today."

 

Lady's Tee

 

A male golfer was preparing to hit his ball from the lady's tee on the first hole, right in front of the pro shop. As he began his backstroke, a voice boomed over the public address system: "Would the man hitting his ball from the lady's tee, please move it back to the men's tee?!"  He glared over his shoulder, then began again to prepare to hit his ball.  The loudspeaker again shattered the silence, repeating, "Will the man hitting his ball from the lady's tee, please move it back to the men's tee?!  At that, the man turned and faced the clubhouse. Cupping his hands on his mouth he hollered, "Will the man in the clubhouse please be quiet, so I can take my second shot?!"

 

Feeding the Baby

 

A first-time father was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food everywhere, especially on the infant.  His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband staring into space, then says, "What in the world are you doing?"  He replied, "I'm waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another."

 

Today’s Thought

 

I had plastic surgery last week. My husband cut up my credit cards.