Friday's Funnies

 

Workout

Started a new routine this week, doing crunches twice a day: Cap'n in the morning, Nestle's in the afternoon.

The Breaks

While leading a tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an x-ray technician. "Have you ever broken a bone?" he asked. "Yes," the girl replied. "Did it hurt?" "No." "Really? Which bone did you break?" "My sister's arm."

Short Quotes

·         "My favorite 'essential oil' is bacon grease."

·         "They told me I was gullible. I believed them."

·         "When will all the rhetorical questions end?"

 

Exercise Perspective

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing, yet lives for 450 years.  ...and you tell me to exercise so I'll live longer?

The Speeders

 

·         An officer stopped a man doing 80 mph. When he asked the driver whether he had seen the speed-limit signs, the man responded, "I went by them so fast I probably missed them."

·         A man going south on I-95 was stopped near Washington Avenue doing 79 mph. "My engine misses, and I'm trying to clean out the carburetor," he told the officer. For good measure, he added, "If I don't go this fast, my car won't go at all."

·         "I'm due in traffic court," one speeder said. "If I'm late they're going to enforce the bench warrant."

·         An elderly person was stopped after doing 73 mph. When told he was getting a ticket, he asked the officer, "Is there a senior citizen's discount?"

 

You're Lost Between Baby Boomer And Generation X If...

 

1. You remember when Jordache jeans with a flat-handle comb in the back pocket was cool.
2. Any photograph of you shows you wearing an Izod shirt with the collar turned up.
3. You know any "Weird Al" Yankovic songs by heart.
4. You were once bowled over by the technological excellence of such products as Atari, IntelliVision, TelStar and Coleco.
5. You and your friends ever discussed having a reunion at the end of the century and playing Prince's "1999."
6. You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the minivan.
7.  (Related to #6) You rode in the back of the station wagon facing the cars behind you.
8. Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you learned things like grammar, math and history. (A big hint here is if the only way you can recite the Preamble to the Constitution is by singing it.)
9. You remember with pain the day the Green Machine hit the streets (or the sidewalks), instantly making your Big Wheel obsolete.
10. The age-old question "Where's the beef?" still makes you laugh.

 

Kids Ask The Best Questions

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.' The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.' Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

A   Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.  
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?' Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'  The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.  'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There’s Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.  Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'  'Yes,' the class said. 'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary positions the blood doesn't run into my feet?' A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet aren’t empty.”

 

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE.  God is watching.' Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.  A child had written a note, 'Take all you want.  God is watching the apples....'

 

Dad Joke

 

My uncle spent $250,000 on a new limousine and later found out the price does not include a driver.  To think he spent all that money and has nothing to chauffeur it.

 

Today’s Thought

 

Have you ever seen a plumber bite his nails?

Friday's Funnies

 Pulled Over

 

Cop: You know how fast you were going?
Guy: Sorry officer, I was just trying to catch up with traffic.
Cop: What traffic? The road is empty.
Guy: Yea, that's how far behind I am.

 

Rejected International Sports Team Names

 

Brussels Sprouts

Cannes Openers

Vienna Sausages

Belgium Waffles

Manila Folders

Czech Bouncers

New Delhi Catessans

Seoul Brothers

Taipei Personalities

Hungary Jacks

Prague Tologists

 

Mom Texting

 

A mother texting to her son, "John, just found out Aunt Elsie died. LOL"

Son: "Why are you saying LOL?"

Mom: "I am adding Lots Of Love."

Son: "Mom, that means Laughing Out Loud!"

 

Homework

 

I asked my student where his homework was. He replied, “It’s still in my pencil.”

 

You Asked

 

A young woman decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her friend next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size. "Buffy," she said, "how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?" "Ten," said Buffy. So the girl bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover. "Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!" "Yeah!" said Buffy. "So did I."

 

Smarter Than You'd Think

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This kid is not so bright. Watch while I prove it to you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters, leaves the dollar and heads out the door. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store and says, "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" The boy licked his 50-cent cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

 

Cards

 

Terry slammed his cards on the table and left the game in a huff. "Boy," said another player disgustingly, "I really hate playing cards with a bad loser." "He isn't very pleasant," another player said, raking in the chips, "but it's better than playing with a good winner."

 

Birthdays

 

My four-year-old son told me that it was his stuffed animal's birthday today. Since this was probably the third birthday this animal had in about as many weeks, I commented that she seems to have a lot of birthdays. He explained, "Well, the older you get, the faster they come!"

 

Always On Call

A pastor assured his congregation he was their servant and that they should feel free to call him anytime they had a problem. That night the pastor's phone rang at 3 a.m. On the other end was a dear elderly lady who said, "Pastor, I can't sleep." "I'm so sorry to hear that," he comforted her. "But what can I do about it?" The pastor asked. She sweetly replied, "Preach to me a while, pastor."

It's What He Said

On one particular Sunday, the pastor was emphasizing the importance of everyone giving their tithes and offerings. He went on to challenge the people to give enthusiastically because 2 Corinthians 9:7 says in it that "God loves a cheerful giver." As the plate was passed, a little boy in the second pew quickly slipped off his necktie and placed it into the offering plate. His mother, absolutely mortified, asked him what in the world he thought he was doing. The boy replied, "The pastor said put your ties in the offering plate and do it joyfully. I love that man!"

Not What She Wanted

As a department store retail clerk, I requested identification from a customer who had just written a personal check for her purchase. After fumbling through her purse, she presented me with what she said was the only thing that bore both her name and address. It was notice from her bank — of insufficient funds.

Quickies

 

·         You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

·         I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. I tried — but they wanted cash.

 

Dad Joke

 

Just so everyone's clear, I'm going to put my glasses on.

 

Today’s Thought

 

The reason reusable shopping bags last so long is that we forget to take them back to shop with.

Friday's Funnies

 Arrested

 

Just saw on the news where the world champion tongue-twister was arrested. I hope they give the guy a tough sentence.

 

Seniors

 

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.  Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach, and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.  Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.  So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

 

Name

 

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."  The pastor spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"   She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

 

On The Ball

It was the first day of school, and the first grade teacher decided to see how much her students knew about math. "Dewey, can you tell me what is 3 and 2?" Dewey said, "That's when you should watch very, very carefully before you swing at the next pitch."

Substitute Teacher

Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I work, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker. I heard him mutter, "How did you get yourself into this?" Knowing that he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer moral support. "Are you okay?" I asked. "Can I help?" He lifted his head and replied, "I'll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker."

School Has Started....

Rushing to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was pulled over by the highway patrol. The state trooper noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high school on it. "I teach math there," I explained. The trooper smiled, and said, "Okay, here's a problem. A teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 m.p.h. over the limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus the rise in her insurance, what's her total cost?" I replied, "Taking that total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate math, then adding to that the fact that none of us would be anywhere without teachers, I'd say zero." He handed me back my license. "Math was never my favorite subject," he admitted. "Please slow down."

Turnabout

Young Johnny finished summer vacation and went back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that Johnny was misbehaving. "Wait a minute!" said Johnny's mom. "I had him here for two months and I never once called YOU when he misbehaved!"

 

Quotable Labor Day Reflections

 

"The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work."  (Robert Frost)

 

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?"  (Edgar Bergen)

 

"Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you're finished."  (Leslie Nielsen)

 

Birthday

 

Mike and his mother were in the doctor's office for his pre-school physical. The receptionist, completing his medical history, asked, "What is your birthdate?" "February 25," Mike answered. "What year?" the receptionist asked. "Every year," was Mike's matter-of-fact reply.

 

Economical

 

A little girl visiting her neighbor was asked, "How many children are in your family?" "Seven," she answered. The neighbor observed that so many children must cost a lot of money. "Oh, no," the child responded. "We don't buy them. We raise them."

 

Is That All?

 

A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to the impresario. "I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it will amaze you." He climbs up to the high wire and jumps off! He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows. He soars upward, turns, and swoops back again. Finally, he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground. The impresario says, "Is that all you've got? Bird impressions?"

 

English Language

 

Before setting off on a business trip to Tulsa, I called the hotel where I'd be staying to see if they had a gym. The hotel receptionist's sigh had a tinge of exasperation in it when she answered.  "We have over 300 guests at this facility," she said. "Does this 'Jim' have a last name?"

 

Dad Joke

 

A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently, it wasn't set high enough.

 

Today’s Thought

 

95% of people are completely ignorant! Luckily, I'm in the other 10%.

Friday's Funnies

 Telephone Call

 

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.  "Wow!" said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"  "Wrong number..." replied the girl.

 

Coffee

 

I have one cup of coffee every morning to start the day off right. The other cups are to keep me out of jail, help me form sentences, and fuel my razor-sharp wit!

 

Benefit Of Speaking Multiple Languages

 

A Swiss guy visited Sydney, Australia, and pulled up at a bus stop where two locals were waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asked. The two Aussies just stared at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tried. The two continued to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" Other than a glance at each other, there was still no response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy gave up and drove off, extremely disgusted. When he was gone, the first Aussie turned to the second and said, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language." "Why?" the other replied. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

 

Punctuality

 

A company owner was asked a question, "How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"  He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."

If Biblical Events Were Being Covered By Today's Media

 

On Red Sea crossing:

WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE: Enforcement Officials Killed While Pursuing Unruly Mob

 

On David vs. Goliath:

HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION OF RELIEF TROOPS: Psychologist Questions Significance of Rock Used as Weapon

 

On the prophet Elijah on Mt. Carmel:

FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS ACTIVIST INTO FRENZY: 400 Killed In Unprovoked Attack

 

On the birth of Christ:

HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS EJECTED FROM SHELTER: Animal Rights Advocates Enraged by Insensitive Couple

 

On feeding the 5,000:

LAY PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH: Disciples Mystified Over Behavior

 

On healing the 10 lepers:

QUACK PREYS ON TERMINALLY ILL: Authorities Investigating Use of Non-traditional Medical Procedure 

 

On healing of the two demon-possessed men in Gadarenes:

MADMAN CAUSES STAMPEDE: Local Farmer Faces Bankruptcy After Loss of Hogs

 

On raising Lazarus from the dead:

ITINERANT PREACHER RAISES STINK: Will Now Being Contested by Lawyers of Heirs

 

College Daze

I used to live near a major university. Every fall, the new flock of kids attending college always included some who needed a little help with everyday chores, due to never having really done any while they lived at home. Things like doing the laundry, or purchasing groceries. One day at the grocery store, I was in the dairy aisle, picking out some eggs. As I usually did, I opened the carton to check them over for damage before putting them in my cart. That's when I noticed the young man beside me, mimicking my every move. When he saw I had noticed him, he leaned toward me and whispered conspiratorially, "What are we looking for?"

Not So Purely By Chance

By the time Ted arrived at the high school football game, the first quarter was almost over. "Why are you so late?" his friend asked. "I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to the game." "How long could that have taken you?" he asked. "Well, I had to toss it 140 times."

Going 55

In New York City, a WCBS Newsradio880 anchor was commenting on how quickly the temperature dropped in NYC on Tuesday. Quoting someone he had heard, he said, "The temperature fell from 90 to 55 so quickly, it was if it saw a state trooper."

 

Today’s Thought

 

In the old days excessive use of commas was considered to be a serious crime...usually resulting in long sentences.