Friday's Funnies

 Aging

I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

Not Appreciating

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display. "Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The gentleman was your doctor."

Briefs

• Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.
• 250 pounds on Earth is 94.5 pounds on Mercury. I'm not fat, I'm just not on the right planet.
• Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law? It was given two consecutive sentences.
• I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
• If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I'd have $6.30 now.

Quite A Salesman

I used to sell security alarms door-to-door — and I was pretty good at it! If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

The New Photo

Unfortunately, getting a new passport required a new photo. As I handed my ten-year-old passport and the new picture to the clerk, I sighed. "I like the original better," I told her. "Trust me," she said. "Ten years from now you'll like this one."

To Be Precise

"I'm sorry," said the clerk in a flower shop, "but we don't have any potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?" Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."

Quick Thoughts

• The number of red lights you encounter on your way to your destination will always correspond directly to how late you started out.
• Every time I think I've just said the most stupid thing ever, I open Facebook and discover that I was wrong.

Reminder-er

Because I had forgotten the dates for a number of my friends' and relatives' birthdays and anniversaries, I decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on. I went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. I finally found one where the clerk seemed experienced. "Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?" I asked. “Have you tried a wife?" he replied.

Real Punishment

An irritated father complained to his golf buddy, "When I was a kid, my parents sent me to my room without supper if I misbehaved. But my son has his own color TV, telephone, computer, every computer game and CD player in his room!" "So how do you handle it?" his friend asked. "I send him to MY room!"

Oh

"Bob, why don't you play golf with John anymore?" asked a friend. "Would you play golf with a guy who moved the ball with his foot when you weren't watching?" Bob asked. "Well, no," admitted the friend. Bob said, "Neither will John."

The Next Town

A visitor to the town approached a local person and asked, "What's the quickest way to the next town?" The local, scratched his head, "Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger. "I'm driving," said the stranger. "Well, that's the quickest way."

The DMV

I waited for a very long time for my number to be called at the Department of Motor Vehicles to renew my driver's license. As I approached the window, the clerk asked how she could help me.  I replied, "I need to get a haircut, can you save me my spot?"  She said, "Why didn't you get a haircut before you came here?"  I replied, "I didn't need one before I got here!"

Four Children

Census Taker: "How many children do you have?"
Woman: "Four."
Census Taker: "May I have their names, please?"
Woman: "Eenee, Meenee, Minee and George."
Census Taker: "Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?"
Woman: "Because we didn't want any Moe."

Dad Joke

I’m telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes!  It’s all about raisin awareness.

Today’s Thought

The sentence, "Are you as bored as I am?", can be read backwards and still make sense.