Friday's Funnies

 High Society

Remembering their anniversary was coming up, Dave told his wife Marylou he would take her out to dine like royalty.  Later when her mother asked how their dinner date went, Marylou reported, "we started out at Burger King and wound up at Dairy Queen."

Need Help?
The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialed the first and explained our situation.  After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, "I don't know what you expect me to do for you. I'm a psychologist."  "A psychologist?" I replied. "Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can't you help us?"  "Well," he finally responded in a measured tone. "How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?"

A Cheerful Heart

One of our good friends was waiting nearby while his young son prayed silently before going to bed. Suddenly the boy burst out laughing. "Reggie," scolded his father, "why are you laughing during prayer?"  "But Dad," the boy answered, "you told me that prayer is talking to God as a friend, and I just told him a joke."

Signs and Thoughts

·        Frog parking only.  All others will be toad.

·        I want to grow my own food but I can't find bacon seeds.

·        This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

·        I checked into the hokey pokey clinic and I turned myself around.

·        If your car is running I'm voting for it.

·        What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

·        I'd like to start dieting ... but I have too much on my plate right now.

·        My wife said I never listen to her, or something like that.

·        If you are going to believe everything you read, then start with your Bible.

Batter Up

As the manager of our hospital's softball team, I was responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners at the end of the season.  When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several patients and their families in a waiting area.  "Look honey," one man said to his wife, "here comes your anesthesiologist."

Forgetting Something

A man was on his way home with a new car which was absorbing all his attention.  He was playing with the touch screen when it struck him that he had forgotten something.  He stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but finally decided he had everything with him.  When he finally got home his daughter ran out, stopped short and yelled "Daddy, where's mommy?"

One-liners

·        My dog once ate all the Scrabble tiles. I found strange messages around the house for days.

·        Ban shredded cheese.  Make America grate again.

·        Our mountains aren't just funny, they're hill areas.

·        Why aren't koalas actual bears? The don't meet the koalafications.

·        Turning vegan would be a missed steak.

·        Well, to be frank, I'd have to change my name.

·        I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y.

Correction

There was this guy who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time.  His friend suggested he see a doctor to have his legs checked out. The guy refused. . . said his friend was crazy. But he finally went and, sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was shorter than his right! A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later he was cured; both legs were exactly the same length, and he didn't lean left anymore. His friend said, "You didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg." The guy said: "I stand corrected." 

You might be from the South if...

1. You're thinking of just buying a pollen-colored car.
2. You don't care HOW they do it up North.
3. Your garage holds two John Deere tractors and a fledgling electronics company.
4. You can give directions to anywhere within city limits using only Taco Bells as landmarks.
5. Your favorite comeback is, "As a matter of fact, I AM a rocket scientist."
6. The bugs in your computer are boll weevils.
7. Someone asks you a question and you reply "Dooo whaattt?"
8. Your dinner parties have caviar and bologna on the same table.
9. You wrote in "Dilbert" on the last voting ballot.
10. To "merge" is only a program on your computer.
11. You've actually met more than one "redneck engineer."
12. You're convinced that turn signals are an option when buying a car.
13. The cotton field you passed last week is now a new subdivision with homes starting at $190K.
14. You often remark how much nicer this city was before all those folks from the North started showing up.
15. You start worrying about Tornado Watches and watch all the local weathermen track the storms.
16. You are a Subject Matter Expert on Doppler Weather Radar just from watching all the TV coverage of the weather.
17. You drop an ice cube tray on the kitchen floor, and your kids want to take two snow days off from school.
18. You use your gun scope to check out the new comet.
19. Your kid's first field trip is to Cook's Pest Control.
20. You learned to count backwards and thought "lift off" was the last number.

Today’s Thought

Today I bought a cupcake without sprinkles. Diets are hard.