Happy 4th
of July
The Fourth of July was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the
opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a great
country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in
this country, we are all free." One little boy came walking up to her from
the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm
not free. I'm four."
4th Shorts
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What was the craziest
battle of the Revolutionary War? The Battle of Bonkers Hill.
-
Teacher: Johnny, what are the last words of "The
Star-Spangled Banner"? Johnny: "Play ball"?
-
What kind of tea did the
American colonists thirst for? Liberty!
-
What did the colonists
wear to the Boston Tea Party? Tea-shirts.
-
What is the difference
between a duck and George Washington? One has a bill on his face; the other has
his face on a bill!
-
Why were the first
Pennsylvania settlers like ants? Because they lived in colonies.
-
What did one flag say to
the other flag? Nothing. It just waved!
-
What dance was very
popular in 1776? Indepen-dance!
-
What would you get if you
crossed George Washington with cattle feed? The Fodder of Our Country!
-
Did you hear the one about
the Liberty Bell? Yeah, it cracked me up!
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What did King George think
of the American colonists? He thought they were revolting!
-
Do they have a 4th of July
in England? Yes. That's how they get from the 3rd to the 5th.
-
What protest by a group of
dogs occurred in 1773? The Boston Flea Party!
-
Which colonists told the
most jokes? Punsylvanians!
-
How is a healthy person
like the United States? They both have good constitutions!
I Need a Raise
I told my boss that three
companies were after me and I need a raise. My boss asked, "What
companies?" Gas, water and electric.
English
Free advice for non-native English
speakers: The word READ is pronounced
like LEAD, but the word READ is pronounced like LEAD.
Church Instead of
Fishing
A man who hadn't
attended church in years suddenly began attending faithfully on Sunday mornings
instead of going fishing as was his normal habit. The pastor was highly gratified and at the
end of service one morning told him, "How wonderful it makes me feel to
see you at services with your good wife!" "Well, Preacher," said
the fisherman, "Quite honestly, it's a matter of choice. I'd much rather
hear your sermon than hers."
Cosmetics
Joe's wife bought
a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle"
products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I
am?" Looking over her carefully,
Joe replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and
your figure, twenty five." "Oh,
you flatterer!" she gushed. "Hey,
wait a minute!" Joe interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."
Church
A young boy went
to church for the first time. His grandpa asked how he liked it. The youngster's
review: "The music was nice, but the commercial was too long."
Cookies
A husband took
his young daughter to the grocery store to help him buy groceries. In addition
to the healthy items on his wife's carefully prepared list, the two of them
returned home with a package of sugar-filled cookies. "Why in the world did you buy
those?" his wife asked. "You know they aren't good for you!" "Oh, but don't worry, honey, these
cookies have one-third less calories than usual in them," the husband
replied. The wife looked all over the
package but couldn't find any claim to that fact, so she asked, "What
makes you think that?" "We ate
about a third of the box on the way home."
Sixteen Times
A little boy was
attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How
many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen,"
the boy responded. His cousin was amazed
that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse,
4 richer, 4 poorer."
I am a Senager.
(Senior teenager)
-
I
have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.
-
I
don't have to go to school or work.
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I get
an allowance every month.
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I
have my own pad.
-
I
don't have a curfew.
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I
have a driver's license and my own car.
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When
I was a child I thought nap time was a punishment. Now it feels like a small
vacation.
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I
don't have gray hair, I have "wisdom highlights."
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Of
course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
Dad Joke
The salesman at
the furniture store told me, "This sofa will seat 5 people without any
problems." I said, "And just where am I going to find 5 people
without any problems???"
Today’s Thought
Remember when we
were kids and we'd say, "I can't wait until I get older and can do
whatever I want!" So, how's that working for ya?
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