Friday's Funnies

 

Sick Days

My boss said, "I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays." I said, "It must be my weekend immune system."

Proud Father

A proud father never tired of telling how smart his son Arthur was. "Arthur could recite the Gettysburg Address when he was ten years old. Lincoln didn't say it until he was fifty!"

Short Ones

·         When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken for patience.

·         The skinny woman selling ice cream apologized, "Sorry for your weight."

·         If vegetarians eat vegetables, then you really have to watch out for humanitarians.

·         You can make 7 even, by removing the 's'.
You can make 6 odd, by removing the 's'.
I for one like Roman Numerals.

Thank you

Our neighbors gave us a pumpkin pie as a holiday gift. As lovely as the gesture was, it was clear from the first bite that the pie tasted bad. It was so inedible that we had to throw it away.  Ever gracious and tactful, my wife sent the neighbors a note. It read: "Thank you very much for the pumpkin pie. Something like that doesn't last very long in our house."

Making A Horse

A little boy was visiting a Historic Village with his mom. "Mommy, Mommy!" he cried, "I just saw a man making a horse!"  "Are you sure?" asked his mother.  "Yes," said the tot. "He had a horse nearly finished. When I saw him, he was just nailing on the feet."

A Perfect Blend

A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee. The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out. He turns to the waiter and says, "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, "But, sir, it's fresh ground!"

Turtle Books

I went into a store to buy some books about turtles. "Hardbacks?" asked the shopkeeper. "Yes," I replied. "And they have little heads, too."

One-liners

• Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
• I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
• My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them, "Just you wait!"
• I got my husband a fridge for his birthday. His face lit up when he opened it.
• Did you hear the Energizer Bunny was arrested?  He was charged with battery.
• They say I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop anytime I want.
• What did the big flower say to the little flower? Hi bud!
• I think my wife has been putting superglue on my water gun collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.
• Losing weight doesn't seem to be working for me, so from now on I'm going to concentrate on getting taller.
• Some people eat snails. They must not like fast food.

Pay Mistakes

One day, an employee received an unusually large check. She decided not to say anything about it. The following week, her check was for less than the normal amount, and she confronted her boss. "How come," the supervisor inquired, "you didn't say anything when you were overpaid?" Unperturbed, the employee replied, "Well, I can overlook one mistake, but not two in a row!"

Seen This?

I had trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead and asked my husband, "Oh no, have you seen this?" "What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"

Why

Son: Why is my sister's name Paris?

Dad: Because we conceived her in Paris.

Son: Thanks dad.

Dad: No problem Quarantine.

Empty Envelope

Me to the postal carrier: This empty envelope must be from my sister Charlotte.

Postal carrier: Now why would she send you an empty envelope?

Me: We had an argument, and she's not talking to me.

Dad Joke

What is Forrest Gump's email password? 1forrest1.

Today’s Thought

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.