Friday's Funnies

 

Foreign Languages

 

A mother mouse and her daughter are suddenly attacked by a cat!  The mother mouse yells, "WOOF! ARF! WOOF!!" and the cat runs away.  "See?" says the mother to the daughter. "It's important to know a foreign language!"

 

Scale Reaction

 

When children come into the doctor's office where I work, it is my job to weigh and measure them.  After several unsuccessful attempts to get one frightened three-year-old on the scale, her mother said: "Honey, Mommy has a scale at home. Do like I do and stand on it."  Recognition dawned on the child's face and she confidently stepped on the scale, looked down and exclaimed, "Oh, darn!"

 

Therapist’s Reaction

 

I don't think the therapist is supposed to say “wow” that many times in your first session, but here we are.

 

New Father

 

The first-time father, beside himself with excitement over the birth of his son, was determined to do everything right.  "So, tell me, Nurse," he asked as his new family headed out the hospital door, "what time should we wake the little guy in the morning?"

 

Wisdom

 

The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, "I would like to withdraw $10."  The teller told her, "For withdrawals less than $100, please use the ATM."  The old lady wanted to know why. The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, "These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line of customers behind you."  The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said, "Please help me withdraw all the money I have."  The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned over, and respectfully told her, "You have $300,000 in your account and the bank doesn't have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?"  The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The teller told her any amount up to $3000.  "Well, please let me have $3000 now." The teller then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her. The old lady put $10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit $2990 back into her account.  The moral of this tale: Don't be difficult with old people, they've spent a lifetime learning the skills.

 

Heating Bill

 

My landlord texted me saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is. I replied back: "Sure, my door is always open."

 

Art Gift

 

During Christmas time I was shopping in an arts and crafts store, where a friend of mine worked, for a gift for my niece. She had taken an interest in oil painting and I planned to purchase a beginner set of paints and brushes.  My friend was at the cash register when I was checking out. I hadn't seen her for a few weeks and had started a diet in the meantime, having moderate success. She asked me if I had gotten thinner. I was thrilled that it showed already and replied that I had lost a few pounds.  She rolled her eyes and said, "I meant paint thinner."

Speeding

 

If you must speed on the highway, you may want to sing these as you do.

45 mph -– God Will Take Care of You

55 mph -– Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah

65 mph –- Nearer My God to Thee

75 mph -– Nearer, Still Nearer

85 mph -– This World Is Not My Home

95 mph –- Lord, I'm Coming Home

100 mph – Precious Memories

 

Real Church Signs

 

·         Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible.

·         Under same management for over two thousand years.

·         Don't wait for the hearse to bring you to church.

·         Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!

·         Seven days without prayer makes one weak.

·         A clear conscience makes a soft pillow.

·         Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

·         Christians, keep the faith. But not from others!

 

Jokes and Thoughts

 

·         Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, "That can't be accurate."

·         Why do banks keep their doors and vaults wide open all day, yet chain their pens to the desk.

·         To do nothing for fear of making a mistake could be the greatest mistake that you make.

·         Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

·         The Bread of life never gets stale.

·         Live as though it were your last day on Earth. Some day you will be right!

 

 

Sunday School

 

At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Tommy, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.  Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and asked, "Tommy, what's the matter?"   Little Tommy responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

 

Today’s Thought

 

People think "icy" is the easiest word to spell... Come to think of it, I see why.