2020
Have we tried unplugging 2020, waiting 30 seconds, and plugging it back in?
Punny Thoughts
The first time I got a remote control I thought, "This changes everything!"
Why do the French eat snails? Because they hate fast food!
What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Their flag is a big plus!
The courtroom artist was arrested for an unknown reason, the details are sketchy!
I bought a dictionary and when I got home I found all the pages were blank . I have no words for how angry I am!
My math teacher called me average - how mean!
I'm glad I know sign language - it's pretty handy!
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture - I have a hunch it might be me!
My friends and I played hide-and-seek. It went on for hours. Good friends are hard to find!
My parents are actually telling me that their world doesn't revolve around me. I guess I'm not really their sun.
Wasp Bomb
Jon asked the clerk if the wasp bomb was good for wasps. The clerk said, ‘No! It’ll kill ‘em!!’
Best Out Of Office Messages
~ I am currently at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.
~ You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
~ I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on April 4th. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
~ Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
~ The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again
~ Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
~ I've run away to join a different circus.
One of my college friends asked a group of us for advice on organizing his final report for the year. "Why don't you use Roman numerals to head the different sections?" another friend suggested. "I thought of that," he replied. "But my keyboard doesn't have Roman numerals on it."
Helping Daddy
One day a young boy ran crying to his mother and rubbing his behind. His mother said, "Bobby, why are you crying?" "Because daddy hit his thumb with the hammer!" little Bobby wailed. "Why, that's not something to cry over," his mother told him. "That should make you laugh." Bobby rubbed his behind and said tearfully, "I DID laugh!"
What She Said...
My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often he turns to me for
advice. Recently, I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask,
"What should I feed Lily for lunch?" "That's up to you," I
replied. "There's all kinds of food. Why don't you pretend I'm not at
home?" A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my
husband asking, "Yeah, hi, Honey. Uh...what should I feed Lily for lunch?"
Throw Back: Heard By Tech Support
Customer: "I have Microword Soft."
Customer: "Microwave Windows?"
Customer: "Will this upgrade include Microwave 97?"
Customer: (Referring to Microsoft Defrag.) "I ran Microwave Defrost, but
it didn't help."
Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
Customer: "I have Microscope Exploiter."
Customer: "I have Netscape Complicator."
Customer: "I have Netscape Regulator."
Customer: "Uhh...I have Newscape and Outlook Exposure."
Customer: "I have a US Robotics Sportscaster modem."
Customer: "It's not my computer that is slow. I have a 200 horse power
hard drive."
Today’s Thought
I never thought the comment, "I wouldn't touch you with a 6-foot pole" would become a national policy, but here we are!
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