Friday's Funnies

 

Today’s Reality

Just saw a burglar kicking his own door in. I asked, "What are you doing?" He said, "Working from home."

Duck

A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella.  The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green. However, Jon, who always does things HIS way, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red.  After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Jon, how many times have you seen a red duck?"  Young Jon replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."

Location, Location, Location

Real Estate Agent: "This house has its good points and its bad points. The disadvantages are a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north."

Prospective Buyer: "Yikes. What are the advantages?"

Agent: "You can always tell which way the wind is blowing."

"Lexophile" describes those that have a love of words, especially in word games, such as: "To write

with a broken pencil is pointless."  An annual competition is held in New York Times to see who can create the best original lexophile.  This year's submissions:    

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met

herbivore.

I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her

pupils?

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

The Anniversary 

For their anniversary, a couple went out for a romantic dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would fix a dessert and leave it waiting. When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!" "Well, I suppose," the husband responded dryly, "we could clean the house."

Just Helping

My brother-in-law noticed an elderly lady slowly pushing a cart through the supermarket parking lot. Trying to be courteous, he insisted on taking it over for her as she struggled alongside, doing her best to keep up. At the entrance, he said, "Here you go, Ma'am," and gave her the cart. Catching her breath, she said, "Thank you, young man, but I was using it to lean on."

Speed Dial

I put my grandma on speed dial. I called that Instagram.

Today’s Thought

I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart when they haven't even seen one of his paintings.