Friday's Funnies

Warning

Sometimes I wonder if all that is happening is because I didn't forward that email to 25 people.

Dominating The Conversation

For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.  She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.  "Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me...what do you think of my grandchildren?"

Aging

Old age comes at a bad time. You finally know everything just in time to forget it.

Philosophy

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam.  He picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk, and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."  Pencils flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled; some students wrote over 30 pages.  One student finished in less than a minute. He earned an A for his two word answer: "What chair?"

Details

Two businessmen walk into a diner in the countryside. They have decided to stop there for lunch, so without ordering anything they sit down, take out sandwiches from their bags and begin to eat them.  The waiter sees this and says to them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"  So the businessmen look at each other, shrug, and swap sandwiches.

Say What?

After a particularly inspiring worship service, a church member greeted the pastor. "Reverend, that was a wonderful sermon. You should have it published." The pastor replied, "Actually, I'm planning to have all my sermons published posthumously." "Great!" enthused the church member. "The sooner the better!"

The Thought Counts

On a chilly winter evening, my husband and I were snuggled together on the floor watching television. During a commercial break, he reached over and gave my foot a gentle squeeze. "Mmmmm," I said. "That's so sweet." "Actually," he admitted sheepishly, "I thought that was the remote."

Church Signs

1.       (On a sign that looked like a Ketchup bottle): "Catch Up with Jesus. Lettuce praise and relish Him. 'Cuz He loves me from my head to-ma-toes."

2.       Adam & Eve — the first people to not read the Apple terms and conditions.

3.       Forgive your enemies — it messes with their heads.

4.       Forbidden fruit causes many jams.

5.       The belief that there's a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

6.       Tweet others as you would be tweeted.

7.       Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you want to meet him right away.

Briefs

·          Sometimes I shock myself with the smart stuff I do and say. Other times I try to get out of the car with my seatbelt on.

·          I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.

·          "A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children." — Dave Barry

Tit For Tat

One morning, I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's office. When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. "Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her. "I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!"

Theological Argument

Four members of the clergy had a theological argument, with the three male ministers siding against the female minister.  The woman prayed, "Lord, I know I'm right. Please send us a divine sign to prove it." A big storm cloud materialized and there was a clap of thunder.  "See," said the woman. "It's a sign from above." The three clergymen disagreed, saying thunder is a common phenomenon. "Dear Lord," the woman prayed, "I need a bigger sign." This time, a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree.  "See! I told you I was right," the woman said. But the men insisted nothing had happened that couldn't be explained by natural causes.  "Help me, Lord," the woman implored. And a deep voice came from the heavens: "SSSHHHEEE'S RRRIIIGGGHHHTTT!"  The woman turned to the three clergymen and asked, "Well?"  "Okay, okay," they said. "Now it's three against two."

Password Problems

Caller: "There's something wrong with my password. Whenever I type it, it just shows stars."

Help Desk: "Those asterisks are to protect you. If someone is standing behind you, they can't read your password."

Caller: "Yeah, but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."

Today’s Thought

A sure way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.