Friday's Funnies

Halloween Q&A

Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite.

Whom did the ghost invite to his party?
Anyone he could dig up.

How can you send mail to skeletons?
Bony Express

Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
Because of his coffin.

How did the ghost repair his sheet?
With a pumpkin patch.

Why aren't there any famous skeletons?
They're a bunch of no bodies.

When does a skeleton laugh?
When something tickles his funny bone.

What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It's a pain in the neck.

Legitimate Questions For Seniors

Question: How many days in a week?

Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?

Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?

Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?

Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?

Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?

Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Just Sign Here

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

Meeting Schedule

Mr. Frobisher always scheduled the weekly staff meeting for four-thirty on Friday afternoons. When one of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why, he explained. "I will tell you why. I've learned that's the only time of the week when nobody wants to argue with me."

Off Balance

I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance, she leaned over and pushed me.

Tying a Tie

Shortly after reporting to the 101st Airborne Division, we were ordered to fall out in our dress uniforms. Only problem was, I didn't know how to tie a necktie. So I asked the guy in the next bunk for help. Sure," he said. "Lie down."  Confused, I lay down on the bunk and he tied my tie. "Sorry, but this is the only way I know how," he said. "Comes from practicing on my father's clients."  "What does your father do?" "He's a mortician."

Mr. Aging

As Mr. Aging was browsing through an old newspaper, he read aloud to his wife a news item about men losing their memory cells faster than women do.  "It must be true," she said. "That's the second time you've read that article to me."

Silly Jokes

Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.

Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.

I own the world's worst thesaurus. Not only is it awful, it's awful.

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.

If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I'd have $6.30 now.

Today’s Thought

Sure worry works: 98% of the things I worry about don't happen.