Speeding
Cop: You know how fast you were going?
Guy: Sorry officer, I was just trying to catch up with
traffic.
Cop: What traffic? The road is empty.
Guy: Yea, that's how far behind I am.
Reasonable Fee
A man phones a lawyer and asks, "How much would you
charge for just answering three simple questions?" The lawyer replies, "A thousand
dollars." "A thousand
dollars!" exclaims the man. "That's very expensive, isn't it?" "It certainly is," says the lawyer.
"Now, what's your third question?"
Righteous Golf
Four priests in New York went golfing wearing typical
"golfer" outfits. After a
while, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any
chance?" "Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "How
did you know?" Easy," said the caddy. "I've never seen such bad
golf and such clean language."
Customary Charges
An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to
charge a customer: "As you are
fitting his glasses, if he asks how much they cost, you say '$75.' "If his eyes don't flutter, say, 'For
the frames. The lenses will be $50.' "If
his eyes still don't flutter, you add ...'Each.'"
Spell checker
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight for it to say
Weather I am wrong or write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose before two long
And eye can put the error rite
It's rarely ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
Am shore your pleased to no
It's letter perfect all the weigh
My chequer toiled me sew!
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight for it to say
Weather I am wrong or write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose before two long
And eye can put the error rite
It's rarely ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
Am shore your pleased to no
It's letter perfect all the weigh
My chequer toiled me sew!
Good Golf
Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18
holes of golf. The pro asked, "Did you guys have a good game today?"
The first old guy said, "Yes, I had three riders today."
The second old guy said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five."
The third old guy said, "I had 7 riders, the same as last time."
The last old man said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today." '
After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, "I have been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's a rider?" The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in the golf cart and ride to it."
The first old guy said, "Yes, I had three riders today."
The second old guy said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five."
The third old guy said, "I had 7 riders, the same as last time."
The last old man said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today." '
After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, "I have been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's a rider?" The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in the golf cart and ride to it."
Pregnancy and Women: Frequently Asked
Questions
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now, when will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine baby's
sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that
sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel
during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an
air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room
while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from
childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin
to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Today’s Thought
Thank the Lord for Facebook & Instagram. Otherwise
I’d have to call 674 people every day to tell them I just went to the gym.
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