Friday's Funnies

Trick Or Treat

The doorbell, rings, and a man answers it.  Here stands this plain but well-dressed kid, saying "Trick or Treat!"  The man asks the kids what he's dressed up like for Halloween.  The kid says, "I'm from the government." Then he takes 28% of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say, "Thank you."

Shampoo

I always used my shampoo to wash the rest of my body while in the shower. It was just easier to lather up my hair and use the extra suds on my body instead of soap.  Then I saw the words printed on my shampoo bottle "for extra volume and fullness." No wonder why I can't lose weight!  Now I'm using my dish soap in the shower. It's guaranteed to remove fat and other unwanted deposits that other soaps leave behind!

Silly Jokes

-        What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!

-        Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!

-        To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!

-        What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom Broom

-        What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1

-        Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.

-        I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.

-        How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!

-        What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!

-        A fire hydrant has H-2-O on the inside and K-9-P on the outside.

The Boss

My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss."  He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called. She wants you to bring her sign back."

Secret Formula

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth. When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.  He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983....

Necklace

Tourist: "What an interesting necklace. What is it made of?"
Native: "Alligator's teeth."
Tourist: "I suppose they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."
Native: "Oh no, no! Anybody can open an oyster."

Friends

When I was little I had imaginary friends and I used to play with them all the time. Actually, they were real people. I just imagined they were my friends.

My Dad Is Better Than Yours

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.   The first boy says, "My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."  The second boy says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."  The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

Proof You’re An Elementary School Teacher

~ Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home?

~ Do you move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of the table?

~ Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends?

~ Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes?

~ Do you declare "no cuts" when a shopper squeezes ahead of you in a checkout line?

~ Do you ask, "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction?

~ Do you sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book?

~ Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?

Lesson Learned

A man had trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept saying chickens were noble creatures, and they had the right to go where they wanted.  The man had no luck keeping the chickens out of his flower beds.  He tried everything...  Two weeks later, a visiting friend noticed the flower beds were doing great!  They were blooming and beautiful.  So, the friend asked, "How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?"  "One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them.  I wasn't bothered after that."

Groaner

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbled across a monastery and requests shelter there.  Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted.  After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers.  The first one says, "Hello, I am brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."  "I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun. "I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"  Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."  She turned to the other Brother and says, "then you must be...?"  "Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk."

Today’s Thought

When somebody says "This is a silly, childish game" you can bet somebody else is winning.