Friday's Funnies

Math

 The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.  She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"  Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

Languages

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.  "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.  "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare.  "Parlare Italiano?" No response.  "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.  The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."  "Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

Game Warden

A man was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice chests full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for its fishing.  The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"  "Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."  "Pet fish?"  "Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim' round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."  "That's a bunch of bunk! Fish can't do that!"  The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."  "Okay, I've GOT to see this!"  The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"  "Well, what?" said the man.  "When are you going to call them back?"  "Call who back?"  "The FISH!"  "What fish?"

Anniversary Blunder

On their second anniversary, a husband sent flowers to his wife at the office.  He told the florist to write "Happy Anniversary, Year Number 2!" on the card.  She was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased about the card: "Happy Anniversary. You're Number 2."

Fortune Teller

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.  "Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children."  "That's what you think," the man laughed. "I'm the father of THREE children."  The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think!"

Humans

1. My wife and I went through the McDonald's drive through window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.  Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c. She said, 'you gave me too much money.'  I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.' The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

2. We had to have the garage door repaired.  The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.  I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.  He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'  I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'  We haven't used that repairman since...

3. I live in a semi rural area.  We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.  The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

4. My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.  She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'  He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

5. I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,  'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'  To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'  He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

6. The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.  I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.  She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.  I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.  Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'  She is a government employee.....

7. When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.  We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.  As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it’s open!'  His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

Very Unimportant Facts

- Almonds are a member of the peach family.

- An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

- Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

- February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

- In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

- If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

- If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

- Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

- On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

Today’s Thought

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.