St. Patrick’s Day Groaners
"I married an Irishman on St. Patrick's Day."
"Oh, really?"
"No, O'Reilly!"
Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
A: Real rocks are too heavy.
Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.
Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter.
Q: Are people jealous of the Irish?
A: Sure, they're green with envy.
Q: What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player?
A: The Halfback of Notre Dame.
Q: Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?
A: Because they're very short-tempered.
Charity
Father O'Shea, the parish priest in the village, was giving a sermon about charity. He said, "The trouble with the world today is that some people have too much, and others have too little. We must give of ourselves and our worldly goods to help the less fortunate." He said to Paddy, "If you had ten thousand pounds, wouldn't you give half of it to the poor?" He said, "I would that, Father." The priest said, "If you had two greyhounds, wouldn't you give one of them to your neighbour next door?" Paddy said, "No." The priest said, "And why not?" He said, "I have two greyhounds."
Short Puns
What has 18 legs and catches flies?
A baseball team.
What is a sleeping child?
A kidnapper.
Why did the man put his car in the oven?
Because he wanted a hot rod.
If you cross a pig and a young goat, what do you get?
A dirty kid.
Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
To make up for a bad summer.
What do you get if you cross a porcupine and a young goat?
A stuck-up kid.
A small boy swallowed some coins And was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
When is high finances mentioned in the Bible?
When Pharaoh's daughter took a little prophet from the bushes.
A baseball team.
What is a sleeping child?
A kidnapper.
Why did the man put his car in the oven?
Because he wanted a hot rod.
If you cross a pig and a young goat, what do you get?
A dirty kid.
Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
To make up for a bad summer.
What do you get if you cross a porcupine and a young goat?
A stuck-up kid.
A small boy swallowed some coins And was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
When is high finances mentioned in the Bible?
When Pharaoh's daughter took a little prophet from the bushes.
Headlines From The Year 2039
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.
Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2040.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.
Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2040.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.
Random Musings
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Today’s Thought
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
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