Friday's Funnies

Health Message

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing, yet lives for 450 years.

AND...YOU TELL ME TO EXERCISE SO I'LL LIVE LONGER?

Balding

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to wondering about things: "Mommy, why has Daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.  "He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.  "So why do YOU have so much hair?" Little Johnny asks.  "Go eat your breakfast!" snarled his mother.

Doctor’s Office

Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured.  One day, when my aunt's name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale. "I need to get your weight today," said the nurse.  Without a moment's hesitation, my aunt replied, "One hour and 45 minutes!"

My Forgetter

My forgetter's getting better

But my rememberer is broke

To you that may seem funny

But, to me, that is no joke

For when I'm "here" I'm wondering

If I really should be "there"

And, when I try to think it through,

I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,

Say, "What am I here for?"

I rack my brain, but all in vain

A zero is my score.

At times I put something away

Where it is safe, but, Gee!

The person it is safest from

Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,

Say "Hi" and have a chat,

Then, when the person walks away

I ask myself, "Who was that?"

Yes, my forgetter's getting better

While my rememberer is broke,

And it's driving me plumb crazy

And that isn't any joke.

Flowers

"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"  Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."   

Why English Is Tough

Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Beauty Cream

A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother gently massaged cold cream on her face.  "Why are you rubbing that on your face, Mommy?" he asked.  "To make myself beautiful," said his mother.  A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.  "What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you giving up?"

Today’s Thought

All the instruments seeking intelligent life in the universe are pointed away from Earth.