Friday's Funnies

Newspaper Headline Comedy

- Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

- Steals Clock, Faces Time

- Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

- Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

- Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

Sick Policy

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing the sick-leave provisions set out by their contract.  One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"  There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

A union negotiator broke the silence in the room.  "Wow!" he said. "Just think of the score he could have had if he wasn't sick!"

Prison Humor

A new prisoner is placed in his cell. Before long it is time for "lights out" and the cellblock becomes dark and nearly silent.  Eventually a voice from the darkness cries out: "Twenty-two!" and everyone breaks out into raucous laughter. A while later another voice calls out "Forty-one!" and again the entire cellblock hoots and roars.  The new prisoner asks the guy in the next cell: "What's going on?"  The guy says: "We've been here so long, we all know each other's jokes.  So we assigned numbers to them, and when we want to tell a joke we just use the number."  The new prisoner calls out "Ninety-eight" and sets off uproarious laughter, much more than the other numbers. So he asks the guy in the next cell why that was.  Through barely-controlled mirth, he replies, "Nobody had heard that one before." 

Ever Wonder

- Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

- Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

- Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

- Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

- Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid

   made with real lemons?

- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

- Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

- Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

- If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Visual Demonstration

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

- The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

- The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

- The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

- The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the following results:

- The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

- The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

- Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

- Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

Just then a little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "I get it! As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

If Microsoft operated restaurants

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time. Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A soup bowl!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Everything I Needed To Know About Life I Learned From A Jigsaw Puzzle

1. Don't force a fit - if something is meant to be, it will come together naturally.

2. When things aren't going so well, take a break. Everything will look different when you return.

3. Be sure to look at the big picture. Getting hung up on the little pieces only leads to frustration.

4. Perseverance pays off. Every important puzzle went together bit by bit, piece by piece.

5. When one spot stops working, move to another. But be sure to come back later (see #4).

6. The creator of the puzzle gave you the picture as a guidebook. Refer to the Creator's guidebook often.

7. Variety is the spice of life. It's the different colors and patterns that make the puzzle interesting.

8. Working together with friends and family makes any task fun.

9. Establish the border first. Boundaries give a sense of security and order.

10. Don't be afraid to try different combinations. Some matches are surprising.

11. Take time often to celebrate your successes (even little ones).

12. Anything worth doing takes time and effort. A great puzzle can't be rushed.

13. When you finally reach the last piece, don't be sad. Rejoice in the masterpiece you've made and enjoy a well-deserved rest.

Today’s Thought

I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.