Friday's Funnies

Things learned from TV:

 

~ All crimes are solved in 1 hour.

~ The good guy always wins.

~ When you're trapped, you always find a way out.

~ A trip from Los Angeles to China takes 5 seconds.

~ All women still have makeup on when they wake up in the morning.

~ When you're a hero, you will never get burnt in a fire.

 

Shoe Cover-Up

 

One day a man drove his secretary home after she fell quite ill at work. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.  Later that night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car. With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot.  That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.  "Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"

 

If Websites Had Warning Labels

• Google:  "Warning! You may actually find more than what you're looking for."
• Blogs:  "May cause drowsiness."
• Microsoft:  "Warning! Bill Gates isn't ever going to share his money with you."
• MySpace:  "Age, gender and attractiveness of members may differ from what is actually posted."
• Apple Computers:  "Warning! High Smug Advisory."
• Wikipedia:  "Warning label does not exist. Would you like to create warning label?"
• YouTube:  "Warning! Contents may be stupid."

Coffee Options

Man:  "Waiter, I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream."
Waiter:  "I'm sorry, sir, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

Say It With Flowers

 

A guy goes into a florist shop that has a sign: "Say It With Flowers."  He says, "One rose, please."  "Just one?" asks the florist.   "Yes.  I'm a man of few words."

 

How Long?

 

After the pastor finished his sermon, he stayed at the doors and shook the people's hands as they went by, making sure to give a smile and a kind word to each one.  By the time he finished, most of the people milling around in the church lobby had left except for a few. The pastor noticed in particular one elderly woman who was sitting on one of the hallway plush benches, nearly in tears, rocking back and forth. Concerned, the pastor walked over to her and heard her emit the words, "How long, Lord? How long?"  Touched, he laid a hand on the white head. "Ma'am, God has heard you. I am sure that he will come through for you," he said soothingly. She looked up at him with a small smile and thanked him.  Feeling that he had done a very good deed, he turned and was about to walk out the doors when one of the bathroom doors opened and someone came out.  The pastor definitely had a feeling of chagrin when the old woman yelled, "Praise the Lord!" and ran inside.

 

Texting for Seniors

 

Since more seniors are texting and tweeting, here are some STC (Senior Texting Codes). If you qualify for the senior discount, this is for you.  Please pass this along to your children and grandchildren so they can understand you.

 

ATD: At The Doctor's

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicare

CGU: Can't Get Up

CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

FWB: Friend With Betablockers

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGLKI: Gotta Go! (Laxative Kicking In)

GGPBL: Gotta Go! (Pacemaker Battery Low)

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL: Living On Lipitor

LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

ROFL & CGU: Rolling On the Floor Laughing And Can't Get Up

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

WTP: Where's The Prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

 

No Money at College

A young man away from home and at college was feeling low. He had no money at the present time, so he decided at ask dad for some help. He sent a simple three line six word letter to dad. It said,

"No mon.  No fun.  Your son."

A week later he had a response from dad another three line six word letter. It said,

"Too bad.  So sad.  Your dad."

 

Today’s Thought

 

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.