Friday's Funnies

Halloween Q & A

Q. Who was the most famous French skeleton?

A. Napoleon bone-apart.

 

Q. Which building does Dracula visit in New York?

A. The Vampire State Building.

 

Q. What do Italian's eat on Halloween?

A. Fettuccine Afraid-o.

 

Q. What do goblins and ghosts drink when they're hot and thirsty on Halloween?

A. Ghoul-aid!!!

 

Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

A: He had no guts.

 

Q. What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?

A. A sand-witch.

 

Q. Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?

A. He didn't have a haunting license.

 

Q. Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?

A. He had no body to dance with.

 

Q. Where did the goblin throw the football?

A. Over the ghoul line.

 

Q. Why did the Vampire read the Wall Street Journal?

A. He heard it had great circulation.

 

Q. What tops off a ghost's ice cream sundae?

A. Whipped scream.

 

Q. What do you give a skeleton for valentine's day?

A. Bone-bones in a heart shaped box.

 

Q. What are ghosts' favorite kind of streets?

A. Dead ends.

 

Q. What is a vampires favorite holiday?

A. Fangsgiving.

 

Q. What kind of makeup do ghosts wear?

A. Mas-scare-a.

 

Old Friends

A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest met at the town's annual picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.  "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"  The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding." 

You're An EXTREME Redneck When...

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.  

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.  

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.  

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are, "Gentlemen, start your engines. "

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.  

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.  

14. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.  

15. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.  

Wrong
First guy:  "I'm really in the doghouse. I ran afoul of one of those trick questions women ask." Second guy:  "What kind of question?" First guy:  "She asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat, and ugly." Second guy:  "That's easy. You just say, 'Of course I will.'" First guy:  "Yeah, that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"
Making Music
My dad bought my mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. "Oh," said my dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet." "How come?" I asked. "Well," he answered, "because with a clarinet, she can't sing."

Amen
A father and son were riding in their truck together one day and the son asked the father, "Dad, how high can you count?" The father replied, "Well, I don't know, son — how high can you count?"  The son immediately replied, "One thousand, five hundred, forty-two." The father said, "Why did you stop?" The son shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, church was over."

Today’s Thought

 

You know you're getting old when you come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.