Friday's Funnies

Savings

 

After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: "Honey, we've finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for way back in 2000." "You mean a brand-new Mercedes?" she asked eagerly.   "No," he replies, "a 2000 Mercedes."

 

Organist

 

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, at the end of the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.  "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."  During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."  At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."  And that is how the substitute became the regular.

 

Smarty pants

 

On the first day of school, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."  A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

 

Waiter

 

The waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat as he is carrying on the plate.  "Are you crazy?"  complained the customer, "You have your hand on my steak!"  “What?"  answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

 

Four Little Words

 

Heather and Marcy hadn't seen each other in a while, so they decided to meet for lunch.  The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Marcy confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life. Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found.  "He's perfect. He's handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!"  "He said, 'Will you marry me'?" Marcy asked.  Heather replied, "No, he said, 'Put your money away.'"

 

The Unluckiest Man Alive

Four blokes were sitting in a pub drinking.  As time went on, the face of one got longer and longer.  "What's the matter, Fred?"  "I guess I'm the unluckiest man alive!"  "Why so, Fred?"  "Well, you know I went to that funeral last week."  The other three nodded. "But he was in his nineties!"  "I know." He paused as his face got longer. "It's just that I caught the wreath!"

 

GRANDPARENTS - as defined by children

 

~ Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people's.

~ A grandfather is a man grandmother.

~ Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.

~ They don't say, "Hurry up."

~ Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.

~ They wear glasses and funny underwear.

~ Grandparents don't have to be smart.

~ Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown-ups who like to spend time with us.

~ They know we should have snack-time before bedtime.

~ They kiss us even when we've acted bad.

 

That’s Gross

 

Customer: "What's the luncheon special today?"

Waiter: "Beef tongue with onions."

Customer: "Oh, yuck!! I could never eat anything that was in a cow's mouth!!"

Waiter: "Very well. What will you have?"

Customer: "Gimme a couple fried eggs."

 

Mom's Clarinet

 

My dad bought my mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it.  "Oh," said my dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet."  "How come?" I asked.  "Well," he answered, "because with a clarinet, she can't sing."

 

Winter Morning

 

A wife texts her husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen."
Her husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it."
The wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer completely messed up now."

 

Pay back

 

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and Rolex watch." "But you are not wearing any of those things," replied the artist.  "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he'll remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

 

Weird Dream

 

A man went to his doctor complaining about having weird dreams. "Doc, I keep having these bad dreams. One night I'm a wigwam, the next I'm a teepee, wigwam, teepee every night. Am I going crazy?"

The doctor replied, "No, you'll be just fine. You're just too tense."

 

Today’s Though

 

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this stuff before.