Friday's Funnies

Observations

• My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
• Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
• Blessed are those who can give without remembering and receive without forgetting.
• The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
• God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
• I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

Pain

Dentist: Don't worry. I'm painless.

Patient: But I'm not!

Air Heads

A couple air-heads from warmer climes loved to fish, so they wanted to try ice fishing.  They'd took off up to Canada and found a nice, big frozen lake with a little bait shop nearby where they got all their tackle - including a sturdy ice pick.  About an hour later, one of them was back at the shop and bought another ice pick. In another hour the air-head was back, and said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you got."  The bait man said, "Well, OK -- How are you doing out there?"  "Not very well at all," said the air-head. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet."

A Guide to the World of Investments

STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.

BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.

BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell "Broke."

BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your co-worker gave you.

BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.

MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.

SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (e.g., "The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this month.").

COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.

YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.

Four Words with two Meanings

1. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.  

Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.  

Male..... Playing football without a cup. 

2. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .  

Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.  

3. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.  

Female.... An embarrassing by - product of indigestion.  

Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding. 

4. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.  

Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. 

Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes. 

Invention

The boys had been up in the attic together helping with some cleaning. The kids uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked her, "Hey Mom, what's this?"  "Oh, that's an old typewriter," she answered, thinking that would satisfy their curiosity.  "Well, what does it do?" they queried.  "I'll show you," she said and returned with a blank piece of paper. She rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving black letters of print on the page.  "WOW!" they exclaimed, "That's really cool. But how does it work like that? Where do you plug it in?"  "There is no plug," she answered. "It doesn't need a plug."  "Then where do you put the batteries?" they persisted.  "It doesn't need batteries either," she continued.  "Wow! This is so cool!" they exclaimed. "Someone should have invented this a long time ago!"

Today’s Thought

I'm not a procrastinator. I just wait until the last minute because I will be older, and therefore wiser. It's strategic. 

Friday's Funnies

New Car

Snow was falling heavily the day I decided to visit a car dealership. I was confident I'd get a great deal, figuring the salesmen would be desperate for customers on such a lousy day.  Sure enough, when I entered the showroom, I was the only client.  My hopes for getting a good deal quickly faded, however, when I heard the approaching salesman's very first words:  "Boy," he said, jovially, "you must really want a new car badly to come out on a day like this!"

Farewell Song

There was a woman who spent some months serving at a religious mission in Kenya. On her final visit to a remote township she attended a medical clinic. As the Maasai women there began to sing together, she found herself deeply moved by their hauntingly beautiful harmonies. She wanted always to remember the song so she recorded this moment to share it with friends when she arrived home. With tears flowing down her cheeks, she turned to her friend and asked, "Can you please tell me the translation of the words to this song?" Her friend looked at her and solemnly replied, "If you boil the water, you won't get dysentery."

The Destination

A young girl's parents decided to take her to visit a new church one Sunday morning. As a small bribe, they told her that if she were good during the service they would take her to her favorite restaurant afterwards. During the pastor's rather fiery sermon on the destination of the good versus the destination of the evil he asked, in a rather loud voice. "And where do you think those who live a pure, just and good life before the Lord are going to go?" The girl stood in her seat and cried out, "To my favorite restaurant!"
The Lottery

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.  She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'  The husband said, 'What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'  'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

Polish immigrant

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.  First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.  The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'   'Can you read this?' the optician asked.  'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

Careful!

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.  Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.  'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him.  'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'  The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

Grandma

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."  The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in.  At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

Old Cemeteries

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. And, one who can enjoy browsing old cemeteries... Some fascinating things on old tombstones!

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery: Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia: Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
Only the good die young.

In a London, England cemetery: Here lies Ann Mann, who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery: Here lies Johnny Yeast. Pardon him for not rising.

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery: Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake, Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery: Here lays The Kid, We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.

A lawyer's epitaph in England: Sir John Strange. Here lies an honest lawyer, and that is Strange.

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery: Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.

In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England: On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont: Here lies the body of our Anna, Done to death by a banana. It wasn't the fruit that laid her low, But the skin of the thing that made her go.

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts: Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there's only the pod, Pease shelled out and went to God.

In a cemetery in England: Remember man, as you walk by, As you are now, so once was I. As I am now, so shall you be, Remember this and follow me. To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent, Until I know which way you went.

Today’s Though

I remember the good ol' days when "snap crackle pop" were sounds I heard from my cereal, not my body.

Friday's Funnies

Say It With Flowers

A guy goes into a florist shop that has a sign: "Say It With Flowers." He says, "One rose, please." "Just one?" asks the florist. "Yes. I'm a man of few words."

Food Valentines

Cabbage always has a heart, green beans string along.

You're such a Tomato, will you Peas to me belong?

You've been the Apple of my eye, you know how much I care; So Lettuce get together, we'd make a perfect Pear.

Now, something's sure to Turnip, to prove you can't be Beet; So, if you Carrot all for me, let's let our tulips meet.

Don't Squash my hopes and dreams now, bee my Honey, dear; Or tears will fill Potato's eyes, while Sweet Corn lends an ear.

I'll Cauliflower shop and say, our dreams are Parsley mine.

I'll work and share my Celery, so be my VALENTINE.

Professors Define a Kiss

Prof. of Computer Science: A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.

Prof. of Algebra: A kiss is two divided by nothing.

Prof. of Geometry: A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.

Prof. of Physics: A kiss is the contraction of the mouth due to the expansion of the heart.

Prof. of Chemistry: A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.

Prof. of Physiology: A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in the state of contraction.

Prof. of Dentistry: A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.

Prof. of Accountancy: A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.

Prof. of Economics: A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.

Prof. of Philosophy: A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth, and homage for the old.

Prof. of English: A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.

Prof. of Engineering: Uh, What? I'm not familiar with that term.

False Teeth

A pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes. The congregation has to mob him to get him down from the pulpit, and they ask him what happened. The pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, by mistake he put his wife's teeth in and couldn't stop talking.

The mind of a Dog vs. a Cat

Dog: You pet me, feed me, play with me, love me ... you must be a god!

Cat: You pet me, feed me, play with me, love me ... I must be a god!

Grandma's Grace

On her golden wedding anniversary, a grandmother revealed the secret of her long and happy marriage. "On my wedding day, I decided to choose 10 of my husband's faults, which (for the sake of our marriage) I would overlook," she explained. A guest asked her to name some of the faults. "To tell the truth," she replied, "I never did get around to listing them; but whenever my husband did something that made me hopping mad, I would say to myself, 'Lucky for him that's one of the 10.'"

Early Bakers

Q: Why do bakers go to work so early in the morning?
A: They knead the dough!

WORST THINGS TO SAY ON A FIRST DATE

~ I know we just met and this might seem a little sudden ... but could I borrow five hundred dollars?

~ Go ahead and Super Size - I found spare change in the sofa today.

~ I don't see my ex-girlfriend that much ... thanks to the U.S. Department of Justice.

~ I had a good time tonight. I'd love to see you again in six to eight months with good behavior.

~ I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

Favorite Restaurant

A young girl's parents decided to take her to visit a new church one Sunday morning. As a small bribe, they told her that if she were good during the service they would take her to her favorite restaurant afterwards.  During the pastor's rather fiery sermon on the destination of the good versus the destination of the evil he asked, in a rather loud voice. "And where do you think those who live a pure, just and good life before the Lord are going to go?"  The girl stood in her seat and cried out, "To my favorite restaurant!"

Talented

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone or pinning the tail on the donkey. But I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

Today’s Thought

Did you hear the one about the corduroy pillow? It's making headlines.

Friday's Funnies

Points To Ponder

- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

- Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Marriage and Men

- When a man decides to marry, it may be the last decision he'll ever make.
- Some men who speak with authority at work know enough to bow to a higher authority at home.
- A dish towel will certainly wipe the contented look off a married man's face.
- Love is the quest, marriage is the conquest, divorce is the inquest.
- An engagement is an urge on the verge of a merge.
- Marriage brings music to a man's life. He learns to play second fiddle.
- Getting married is one mistake every man should make.
- A well-informed man is one whose wife has just told him what she thinks of him.
- Courtship, unlike proper punctuation, is a period before a sentence.
- The argument you just won with your wife isn't over yet.
- Before criticizing your wife's faults, you must remember it may have been these very defects that prevented her from getting a better husband than the one she married!

Tofu

A well-dressed man approached a woman at a health food store and in a clipped British accent asked her exactly what she did with the tofu in her basket. She said she normally puts it in the refrigerator, looks at it for several weeks and then throws it away. The man replied, "That's exactly what my wife does with it. I was hoping you had a better recipe."

The Best Diet Ever

Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful -- we never even felt hungry! But when we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it, I checked the recipes again. There, in fine print, was: "Serves 6."

How Come?

Little Johnny asked one of his sister's suitors, "How come you show up every night to see my sister when you have one of your own?"

Neglect

A husband and wife went for counseling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into an angry tirade, listing each and every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on - neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, a long list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their quarter century of marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist stood up, walked around his desk and, asking the wife to stand, embraced her and kissed her passionately on the mouth.

The woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least seven times a week. Do you think you can do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, doc, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on the other days, I play golf."

Punny

- The person who invented the door knocker won the No-Bell Prize.

- I couldn't figure out how to fasten my seat-belt. Then it clicked.

- I forgot how to throw a boomerang, but it came back to me.

 -Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He's lucky it was a soft drink.

- A scare crow got promoted because he was outstanding in his field.

- The witch's new book of incantations' is full of errors! The publisher obviously didn't use a spell checker.

- A vulture tried to board a plane with two dead raccoons, but the flight attendant said, "Sorry, sir - only one carrion allowed!"

- I once met a woman who had a taser. Man, was she stunning!

- I should have seen it coming - he had all the signs.

- No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

Today’s Thought

Cats regard people as warm-blooded furniture.