Friday's Funnies

A man’s world?

When men are born, their mothers get compliments and flowers.

When they marry, their brides get presents and publicity.

When they die, their widows get the life insurance.

So, tell me: why is it "a man's world"?

THE OLD PASTOR

An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Pastor, why did you ask and get the two of us to come here?" The old pastor mustered with all his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."

THE FIRE SALE

After meeting with the boss, the head salesperson mustered the troops. "People," he said, "I've just been informed that we're going to be having a fire sale." "A fire sale?" spoke up one agent. "But we sell insurance." "I said a fire sale, and I meant it," he replied rather coldly. "Anyone who doesn't make a sale gets fired."

GENERATION GAP

My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew. After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, "You mean you can do all that, but you can't operate my Game Boy?"

GRANDMA KNOWS

Recently, as usual on a Wednesday night, my grandson Andrew, age 5 was attending "Team Kids". The lesson was about charity (love) from I Corinthians 13. The teacher asked, "Who knows what charity means?" Andrew excitedly raised his hand waiving it in the air. His Mother was sitting in the class and began swelling with joy that her son would be so astute at such a young age. "Okay, Andrew", said the teacher, "Tell us what charity is." Andrew proudly replied, "It's when you sit in a chair...!" It made perfect sense to me, but then I'm his grandmother.

REDNECK MEDICAL TERMS

Artery......................... The study of paintings.
Benign.........................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria...................... Back door to cafeteria.
Barium....................... What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section........A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan...................... Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize.................... Made eye contact with her.
Colic.......................... A sheep dog.
Coma........................ A punctuation mark.
D&C......................... Where Washington is.
Dilate......................... To live long.
Enema....................... Not a friend.
Fester....................... Quicker than someone else.
Fibula....................... A small lie.
G.I.Series..................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain.................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.............A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates.................... Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................I knew it.
Outpatient.................A person who has fainted.
Pelvis....................... Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative..........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room........Place to do upholstery.
Tablet......................A small table.
Terminal Illness........Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor.....................More than one.
Urine......................Opposite of you're out

Varicose.................Near by

First child

A man shouted frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asked the dispatcher.

"NO!" he exclaimed, "this is her husband."

Oops

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

Today’s Thought

Women should not have children after 35. Really...35 children are enough.

Friday's Funnies

The Biggest Lies in the World

- I promise to pay you back on my next paycheck.

- You made it yourself? I never would have guessed.

- Your hair looks just fine.

- Go ahead and tell me; I won't tell another soul.

- The doctor will call you right back.

- Put the map away. I know where we are.

- Having a great time. Wish you were here.

Doctor's Strike

Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!

Do you know who I am?

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.  "The front row please," she answered.  "You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."  "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.  "No," he said.  "I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.  "Do you know who I am?" he asked.  "No," she said.  "Good," he answered.

Etch-A-Sketch Tech Support

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display. What should I do?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has these funny little lines all over the screen.

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?

A: Pick it up and shake it. Set it down.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has lines that prevent me from doing my art project.

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document from my Etch-A-Sketch?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I keep from losing my Etch-A-Sketch document?

A: Stop shaking it.

Dear LIAT Airlines,

May I say how considerate it is of you to enable your passengers to receive such an in-depth and thorough tour of the Caribbean.

Most other airlines I have travelled on would simply wish to take me from point A to B in rather a hurry. I was intrigued that we were allowed to stop at not a lowly one or two but a magnificent six airports yesterday. And who wants to fly on the same airplane the entire time? We got to change and refuel every step of the way!

I particularly enjoyed sampling the security scanners at each and every airport. I find it preposterous that people imagine them all to be the same. And as for being patted down by a variety of islanders, well, I feel as if I've been hugged by most of the Caribbean already. I also found it unique that this was all done on "island time," because I do like to have time to absorb the atmosphere of the various departure lounges. As for our arrival, well, who wants to have to take a ferry at the end of all that flying anyway? I'm glad the boat was long gone by the time we arrived into Tortola last night -- and that all those noisy bars and restaurants were closed.

So thank you, LIAT. I now truly understand why you are "The Caribbean Airline."

P.S. Keep the bag. I never liked it anyway.

10 SIGNS YOU MAY NOT BE READING YOUR BIBLE ENOUGH

10) You open up your Bible in church and a huge dust cloud rises.

9) You think Abraham, Isaac & Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 60's.

8) You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.

7) Your favorite Old Testament patriarch is Hercules.

6) A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in the Psalms of your Bible.

5) You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in either the Concordance or the Table of Contents.

4) Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: "Who gave you this stuff?"

3) You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.

2) You keep falling for it every time when Pastor tells you to turn to Second Opinions.

And the number one sign you may not be reading your Bible enough:

1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: "Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors."

Today’s Thought

The chief cause of problems is solutions.

Friday's Funnies

Be careful what you say!

LITTLE BILLY: "Gee, Grandma, I'm glad to see you! Now Daddy can do his trick."

GRANDMA: "What trick is that?"

LITTLE BILLY: "Daddy said if you came to visit again, he'd start climbing the walls!"

Rest in peace

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside him and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning, Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the men and women who have died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he finally managed to ask, "Which one, the 9:00 or 10:30 service?

Contractors

Three contractors are bidding to fix the fence at a local company. All three are examining the fence with the company's CFO.

The first contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The second contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the CFO and whispers: "$2,700."

The CFO, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy, $1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the second contractor."

Actual Newspaper Headlines

~ Diana was alive hours before death

~ Missippi literacy program shows improvement

~ Bug flying around are flying bugs

~ Teen pregnancy drops significantly after age 25 study shows

~ Federal agents raid gun shop and find weapons

~ Marijuana issue sent to joint committee

~ Homicide victims rarely talk to police

~ Bridges help people cross rivers

~ Hospital resorts to hiring doctors

~ Caskets found in mausoleum being torn down

~ Meeting on open meetings is closed

Cemetery visitor

A visitor to the graveyard couldn't help noticing a man kneeling in front of a gravestone, clasping his hands and sobbing. The visitor went a bit closer and could hear what the man was saying.   'Why did you have to die?' he was repeating, 'Why did you have to die?'  Feeling he ought to do something, the visitor laid his hand on the man's shoulder.   'Was it someone you loved very much?' he asked gently. The man looked up at him and said, 'no, I never met him, he was my wife's first husband.'

Marriage Talk

Wife: "Do you want dinner?"

Husband: "Sure! What are my choices?"

Wife: "Yes or no."

---

Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."

Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."

Girl: "Well that's just because you're not married yet."

Today’s Thought

Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.

Friday's Funnies

4^th of July

What would you get if you crossed the first signer of the Declaration of Independence with a rooster?

John Hancock-a-doodle-doo!

What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1773?

The Boston Flea Party!

What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?

The Americans licked the British!

What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small curly-haired dog?

Yankee Poodle!

Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?

Yeah, it cracked me up!

What would you get if you crossed George Washington with cattle feed?

The Fodder of Our Country!

What did one flag say to the other flag?

Nothing. It just waved!

What's red, white, blue, and gross?

Uncle Spam!

What's red, white, black and blue?

Uncle Sam falling down the steps!

Which colonists told the most jokes?

Punsylvanians!

"How was the food at the Fourth of July picnic?

"The hot dogs were bad and the brats were wurst!"

What has four legs, a shiny nose, and fought for England?

Rudolph the Redcoat Reindeer!

How is a healthy person like the United States?

They both have good constitutions!

Like Mom

On the way to preschool, a doctor mom had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.  Be still, my heart, thought Mom, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor!  Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

Pain

First-time expectant mom: "My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?"

Experienced mom: "Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current."

Truth In Realty

"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both. The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north." "What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer. "The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."

Hamming It Up

When Jesus commanded the demons to come out of the man called Legion, the demons begged Jesus to cast them into the swine heard nearby. Jesus did, and the pigs ran over the cliff. That is the first mention of deviled ham in the Bible.

Photo Perfect

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture." The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man, "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

Armed & Dangerous

The brilliant lawyer F. E. Smith once defended a bus driver against claims that his negligence had caused injury to a young man's arm: "Will you please show us how high you can lift your arm now?" Smith asked the plaintiff. The young man obediently raised his arm to shoulder level, his face contorted with apparent pain. "Thank you," said Smith. "And now, please, will you show us how high you could lift it before the accident?" The man's arm immediately shot above his head. Case dismissed.

Sunday School

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.  Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, so she said, "Johnny, what's the matter?"  Little Johnny responded, "I have bad pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Today’s Thought

There's a new lip balm that makes you lose weight. It’s called Super Glue.