Friday's Funnies

How'd That Happen?

Our generation never got a break. When we were young they taught us to respect our elders. Now that we are older, they tell us to listen to the youth of the country.

Super Distractions

Nothing rattles my father-in-law, especially when the Super Bowl is on TV. One day we were watching a game when my mother-in-law shrieked from the kitchen, "Jim, there's a horsefly in here!" Not taking his eyes off the screen, he barked back, "Give it some cough syrup."

Frank Feldman

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the Cabbie said, "perfect timing. You're just like Frank."  Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."  Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."  Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more ... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."  Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me. I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."  Passenger: "An amazing fellow.  How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank.  He died and I married his widow."

A Touching Love Story

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?"  She replied, "A can of peaches."   The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.  The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.  She replied, "6.”  The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail.”  Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.   The judge said, "What is it?"  The husband replied, "She also stole a can of peas." 

What To Do?

A tiger was walking through the jungle one day and saw two men relaxing under a tree. One was reading a newspaper, and the other was working feverishly on a manual typewriter.  The tiger leapt on the man with the newspaper, and ate him up. The tiger did not bother the other man at all. That’s because any predator knows that readers digest but writers cramp.

Sad Story

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.  As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.  As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.  I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.  I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.  The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.  And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.  As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."  Apparently I'm still lost....it's a guy thing.

Today’s Though

My memory is SO bad I changed my password to "incorrect." That way when I enter the wrong one, it'll tell me, "Your password is incorrect."