Friday's Funnies

Advice from Dad

A young boy and his dad went out fishing one fine morning. After a few quiet hours out in the boat, the boy became curious about the world around him. He looked up at his dad and asked “How do fish breathe under water?”

His dad thought about it for a moment, then replied, “I really don’t know, son.”

The boy sat quietly for another moment, then turned back to his dad and asked, “How does our boat float on the water?”

Once again his dad replied, “Don’t know, son.”

Pondering his thoughts again, a short while later, the boy asks “Why is the sky blue?”

Again, his dad replied. “Don’t know, son.”

The inquisitive boy, worried he was annoying his father, asks this time “Dad, do you mind that I’m asking you all of these questions?”

“Of course not son.” replied his dad, “How else are you ever going to learn anything?”

Illness

I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis. I don’t know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I’ve ever had.

How old are you?

- The biggest disadvantage of old age is that you can’t outgrow it.

- She’s getting crows feet around her eyes. And I’ll tell you, that crow has big feet!

- You know you’re past your prime when every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.

- I don’t like to do things now that I did 20 years ago — like look in the mirror.

- I’m middle-age, middle-class, and middle-of-the-road. I feel like that white stuff in the middle of an Oreo.

- I don’t feel a day older than I did a hundred years ago.

- Sometimes I feel old enough to be my own father.

- You know you’re past your prime when you start getting air-guitar elbow.

- Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multi-vitamin.

Degree

The young single mom had to juggle two part-time jobs while taking care of her children and going to college.  With the help of an espresso machine donated by a friend, she made it through  many long nights of study and long days of work and class.  At last, she earned her degree.  She was graduated summa cum latte.

Dear Bubba

Dear Bubba,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your engagement to my daughter. Will you forgive and forget?

I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize that motorcycles aren’t really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job. I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park.

Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can’t learn everything about life from books.

I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses, and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.

Sincerely,

Your future father-in-law

P.S. Congratulations on winning this week’s lottery.

More one liners

~ I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

~ I think most everyone would agree that trampolines are awesome. Except for kangaroos. They're probably unimpressed.

~ I'm always disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually catch on fire.

~ I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

~ If at first you don't succeed, try doing it the way your wife told you to.

~ If there was a Pessimist Award, I doubt if I could win it.

~ If you expect the world to be fair with you because you are fair with them, it is like expecting a lion to not eat you because you don't eat lion.

~ Pirates always talk about sailing the seven seas...but aren't all the seas connected? How is it not just one?

~ Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the main reason I have trust issues.

~ Someone showed me how static electricity worked today. I was shocked.

~ They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

~ Today's housekeeping tip: Always keep several get-well cards on the mantle. That way, if unexpected guests arrive, they'll think you've been sick and unable to clean.

~ Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo.

Today’s Thought

Apparently, "vegetarian" is an old Indian word for "bad hunter."