Friday's Funnies

Love Notes

My cell phone quit as I tried to let my wife know that I was caught in freeway gridlock and would be late for our anniversary dinner. I wrote a message on my laptop asking other motorists to call her, printed it on a portable inkjet, and taped it to my rear window. When I finally arrived home, my wife gave me the longest kiss ever. "I really think you love me," she said. "At least 70 people called and told me so."

Collared

A pastor was invited to attend a house party. Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his clergy collar. A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening. Finally, the pastor asked the little boy what he was staring at. The little boy pointed to the pastor's neck. When the pastor finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked the boy, "Do you know why I am wearing that?" The boy nodded his head yes, and replied, "It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months."

The Dunn Deal

Our old friend Gladys Dunn attended church services one particular Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep. After the service, Gladys walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman. In an attempt to be sociable, Gladys extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn." To which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"

Very Punny

• I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
• How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.
• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
• Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
• Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
• What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
• Velcro - what a rip off!
• Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
• Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
• Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.
• I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
• Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Ouch

US President Woodrow Wilson's father was a minister. Rather tall and thin, Wilson Sr. made quite a contrast to his horse, which was well-built.   One day with horse and buggy and young Woodrow along, the minister was asked by a parishioner, "Reverend, how is it that you're so thin and gaunt while your horse is so big and sleek?"  Before he could reply, young Woodrow exclaimed, "Probably because my father feeds the horse and the congregation feeds my father!"

Jungle Talk

Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best.  The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had nary a chance.  The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength … None in the forest dared to challenge him.  The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature.  As the trio debated the issue, an alligator came along and swallowed them all … hawk, lion and stinker.

Government worker

A man stopped at a local gas station and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink.   He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole. The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road.  "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a recycle container and heading down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"   "Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.   "But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"   "You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Greg and Matt. I dig the hole, Greg sticks in the tree, and Matt here puts the dirt back. Greg's job's been cut so now it's just me an' Matt."

Today’s Thought

Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy chocolate, which is kinda the same thing.