Friday's Funnies

A Wise School Teacher

A school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."

American Airlines Pilot's Pre-Flight Announcement...

On our flight today, we will be flying at 34,000 feet. To give you an idea of how high that is, we would be able to fly over 50 Empire State buildings stacked one on top the other. Our speed will be about 500 miles per hour. That is just over the muzzle velocity of the standard military .45 pistol. We will be pushed along by two Pratt and Whitney JT-8D-200 turbofan engines. While thrust to horsepower varies with altitude, the total 40,000 pounds of thrust is greater than the combined power of 10 D-9 diesel locomotives. In other words, we're faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, and, as always, your Dallas-based crew stands for truth, justice, and the AMERICAN way!

School Daze

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.

UNANSWERED QUESTIONS

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?

Do Lipton Tea employees take "coffee breaks?"

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells " THEIRS"?

Job impressions

I had always talked about my job a lot at home, and my young daughter had always expressed great interest. So I thought it would be a treat for her to spend the day with me at the office. Since I wanted it to be a surprise, I didn’t tell her where we were going, just that it would be fun. Although usually a bit shy, she seemed excited to meet each colleague I introduced. On the way home, however, she seemed somewhat down.  “Didn’t you have a nice time?” I asked.  “Well, it was okay,” she responded. “But I thought it would be more like a circus.”  Confused, I asked, “Whatever do you mean?”  She said, “Well, you said you work with a bunch of clowns, and I never got to see them!”

One liners

~ A cop just knocked on my door and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes!

~ A word to the wise: Never allow a tobacco-chewing dyslexic near your "tips" jar.

~ All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

~ All this time I thought PTA stood for Parents To Avoid...my bad.

~ All those in favor of reducing gasoline consumption, raise your right foot.

~ Baseball - what a great job! Where else would a .250 efficiency rate get you a $10 million raise?

~ Become richer instantly...desire less.

~ Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

~ Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

~ Help keep the kitchen clean: Eat out.

~ I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

~ I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

~ I got an email today from Facebook telling me about the notifications I missed today. Great, now my Facebook is set to "nag"!

~ I planted my tomatoes late. How do I make them ketchup?

Today’s Thought

Some people are so poor; all they have is money.