Friday's Funnies

Obedient

A father of five children came home with a new toy. He summoned his children and asked which of them should be given the present: "Who is the most obedient one here? Who never talks back to Mom and does everything that Mom says to do?"  There were a few seconds of silence, and then all of the children said in one accord: "So you get it, Daddy??!"

Ticket face

When going to get his driver’s license renewed at the local motor-vehicle bureau, a man was not surprised to find that the building was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until he finally got his license.  He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”  “The clerk looked at his picture closely.  “It’s okay,” he reassured the man. “That’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”

Charity

A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness, and gave her the dollar.  "There you are, my dear," said the mother. "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work anymore?"  "Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells candy."

Ways you know if you are addicted to the Internet

• You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
• You turn off your computer and get this empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
• You start introducing yourself as "Jon at gmail dot com"
• Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
• All of your friends have an @ in their names.
• You can't call your mother...she doesn't have internet.
• You laugh at people with under five MB upload speeds and you laugh even harder at people who don't know what that means.
• You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
• You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
• Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
• You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a commode.
• You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :-)
• Your best friend is someone you've never met.
• Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer so you can chat.
• You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."
• Your dog has its own home page.
• So does your goldfish.

The wedding dress

Groom-to-be to his fiancee: “$6,800 for a dress that’s only going to be worn ONCE? What’s up with THAT?!”

“Who says it’s only going to be worn once?”

“Oh? You’re planning to get married again? Gee, thanks.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“You know you can’t wear white the second time, anyway.”

“No, but I do hope to have a daughter. She’ll wear it on her wedding day. And she’ll have a daughter who will wear it on her wedding day. And her daughter will wear it on her wedding day. It will become a family heirloom.”

“I’ll bet your mother never bought such an extravagant dress.”

“Oh yeah? Well, she did too, smarty!”

“Then why don’t you wear hers?”

“Who wants to get married in THAT old thing?”

Breaking 100

Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, a golfer said in frustration to his caddy, “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.”  “Try heaven,” said the caddy. “You’ve already moved most of the earth.”

Evolution?

If evolution really works, how come mothers still have only two hands?