Heart attack risk
(A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also
suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and
also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans
(E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It’s
speaking English that kills you.
Game Rules
During a game, the coach asked one of his young players: "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded yes. "Do you understand that what matters is winning together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you are out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?" Again, the boy nodded yes. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."
The Finder's Free
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
Term Limits
All US politicians should be limited to two terms — one in office, one in prison. Illinois already does this, and it seems to be working for them.
Cross-examination
Sam, an 80 year-old man, was a witness in a burglary
trial. The defense lawyer asked Sam,
“Did you see my client commit this burglary?”
“Yes,” said Sam, “I saw him plainly take the goods.” “Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure
you saw my client commit this crime?” “Yes,”
replied Sam, “I know I saw him do it.” “Sam
listen, you are 80 years old and your eyesight is probably bad. Just how far
can you see at night?” “I can see the
moon. How far is that?”
IDIOT AWARDS FOR 2012!
Idiot Number One
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in
toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset
because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her
that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter
into the hospital. She calmed down and
at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter
some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better
bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Two
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield
decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in
getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly
after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard
helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on
the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They
are no longer employed at Boeing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Three
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked
into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to
worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before
he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the
street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After
waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.
She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the
brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup
note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would
either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of
America. Looking somewhat defeated, the
man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he
was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Four
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and
demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash
in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter
on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier
refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The
robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she
didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of
his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The
clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put
the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The
cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber
that she got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
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Idiot Number Five
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously
waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first
bandit shot him.
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