Friday's Funnies

Get Up!

About 8 o'clock one cold February morning, the young man was still in bed, sound asleep. His mother came into the room. "Son, it's time to get up. You gotta get ready for church," she implored. "I'm too tired. Leave me alone," he said. "Son, you gotta get up and get ready for church." "I'm not going to church. It's no fun! I don't want to go," he protested. "Son, you gotta get up and get ready for church." "The people stare at me! They talk about me behind my back! I don't wanna go to church," he protested. "Son, you gotta get up and get ready for church." "I'm not going to church. Give me one good reason why I have to go to church," he protested. "I'll give you three good reasons: One —- it's Sunday. Two — I'm your mother, and you'll do as I say! Three — you're the pastor — it's your job!"

Actual Requests to Landlords

• The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
• This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
• I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
• Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
• Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.  

With Our Compliments

Judge: "I'm going to put you in prison."
Man: "What's the charge?"
Judge: "No charge - everything's free!"

The Dating Service

A young lady signed up on an Internet dating service. She got to the section of the application that asked, "What exactly are you looking for?"  This was her description: "He needs to be good-looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home if I don't go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest." In a matter of moments, the results were returned to the woman: "Buy a television."

Church Laws

~ If it wasn't for committee meetings, nothing would ever get done.

~ When the deacons talk about improving the church's spiritual life, they are never talking about their own.

~ In a committee meeting, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

~ It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

~ Keep the deacon chairman's wife off his back and you will succeed as a pastor.

~ Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a fellowship activity involving food.

~ If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

~ When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

~ Following the rules will not get the job done.

~ Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

~  A Youth Pastor with a clean desk has way too much free time.

~ When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would Batman handle this?"

~ The last person that quit or was fired will be blamed for everything that goes wrong for at least a year.

Wine, Whisky?

On the last day of school before the Christmas break, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a beautiful basket of assorted fruit.

 The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a huge, pretty box of asst. candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?"

"No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!"

New Technology

I finally convinced my mother that it was a good idea for her to learn to text. Her first message to me? “Whereisthespacebar?”

At the clothing store

A man was sitting next to me in one of the two “husband chairs” in a ladies’ clothing store.  After 30 minutes and five outfits, the fellow’s wife came out of the changing room again.  He looked at her and immediately said: “That looks good on you. Get that one.”  “Honey,” she replied, “this is what I was wearing when we came in.”