Friday's Funnies

TEN WAYS YOU KNOW YOUR INTERNET CONNECTION IS A LITTLE SLOW

1. Text on webpages display as Morse Code

2. Graphics arrive via FedEx

3. You believe a heavier string might improve your connection

4. You post a message to your favorite Facebook group and it displays a week later

5. Your credit card expires while ordering from Amazon

6. ESPN website exhibits "Heisman Trophy Winner"...for 1989

7. You're still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, "PacMan"

8. Everyone you talk to on Skype sounds like Forrest Gump

9. You receive emails with stamps on them

10. When you click the "Send" button, a little door opens on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.

Job Interview

A company manager is reviewing Smith's application and notices that he has never worked in accounting before and has no qualifications in accounting. He says to Smith, "For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary." "Well, Sir," replies Smith, "the work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing!"

Another Interview

Q:  How do you know that Eliphaz, Bildad and Zophar worked in a company personnel department?
A:  They conducted an extensive Job interview.
(See Job 2:11)

Fortunate

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, no matter who left you a fortune.

Murphy's Church Laws

1. If it wasn't for committee meetings, nothing would ever get done.
2. When the deacons talk about improving the church's spiritual life, they are never talking about their own.
3. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a fellowship activity involving food.
4. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work.
5. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
6. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
7. A Youth Pastor with a clean desk has way too much free time.
8. The last person that quit or was fired will be blamed for everything that goes wrong for at least a year.

Relieved

A teenager who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.   When the mother got out of the car she said emphatically, "Thank you!"  "Anytime," her daughter replied with a smile.  As her mother headed for the church door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."

Golf again?

“You’re going out to play golf again?” his wife complained.  “I’m only doing it under doctor’s orders” replied her husband.  “Do I look stupid to you?” she screamed.  “But it’s true,” he said, walking out the door. “He specifically told me I should get some iron every day.”

No frills airline

You’ll Know It’s a No-Frills Airline If:

-        They don’t sell tickets, they sell chances.

-        All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.

-        Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.

-        You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.

-        Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

-        The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

-        When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

-        The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

-        You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, “Just once.”

-        No movie. Don’t need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

-        You see a man with a gun, but he’s demanding to be let off the plane.

-        All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

Not so Helpful

The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialed the first and explained our situation.  After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, “I don’t know what you expect me to do for you; I’m a psychologist.”  “A psychologist?” I replied. “Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can’t you help us?”  “Well,” he finally responded in a measured tone. “How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?”

Relaxing Location

While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them.  Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”

Aging

Shot my first turkey yesterday - scared everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome! Gettin' old is so much fun...