Thanksgiving math
Q:
What do you get if you divide the circumference of your pumpkin by its
diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi
A: Pumpkin Pi
- Salmonella won't be a concern.
- Everyone will think your turkey
is Cajun blackened.
- Uninvited guests will think twice
next year.
- Your cheese broccoli lima bean
casserole will gain newfound appreciation.
- Pets won't bother to pester you
for scraps.
- No one will overeat.
- The smoke alarm was due for a
test.
- Carving the bird will provide a
good cardiovascular workout.
- You'll get to the desserts even
quicker.
- After dinner, the guys can take
the bird to the yard and play football.
- The less turkey Uncle
You-Know-Who eats, the less likely he will be to walk around with his
pants unbuttoned.
- You won't have to face three
weeks of turkey sandwiches.
Exercise
in Preparation for Thanksgiving
Begin by standing on a comfortable
surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in
each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as
long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day, you'll
find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of
weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then
eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand
and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. After you feel
confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
United
States in RECESSION
The recession has hit everybody really hard...
The recession has hit everybody really hard...
My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
Hello?
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
Hello?
A guy
walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, “What happened to your ears?” He says, “Yesterday I was ironing a shirt
when the phone rang and (hold iron to ear … shhh!) I accidentally answered the
iron.” The boss says, “Well, that
explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?” He says, “Well, then I had to call the
doctor!”
My dad is better than...
Three
boys were talking together about what their father’s did for a living.
Boy 1
began by saying that his Dad wrote a few words on a piece of paper, sent them
away and received £20 for them and they called it a poem.
Boy
2, not to be outdone said that his Dad wrote a few pages of words, sent them
away and received £100 and they called it a story.
Boy 3
was full of himself and said that his Dad wrote a couple of sides of words,
read them out on Sunday morning, called it a sermon and it took 6 people to go
round and collect all the money.
Ice Fishing
It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying." The boy spit the contents of his mouth into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"
Time Is Relative
A fellow went to the doctor, who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live. So the fellow decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his pastor if there was anything he could do. "What you should do is go out and buy a late 70s or early 80s model Dodge pickup," said the pastor. "Then go get married to the meanest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house out in the sticks somewhere. The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?" "No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."
Age & Wisdom
"People may not be a great deal wiser after my sermon, but they are always a great deal older."
It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying." The boy spit the contents of his mouth into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"
Time Is Relative
A fellow went to the doctor, who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live. So the fellow decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his pastor if there was anything he could do. "What you should do is go out and buy a late 70s or early 80s model Dodge pickup," said the pastor. "Then go get married to the meanest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house out in the sticks somewhere. The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?" "No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."
Age & Wisdom
"People may not be a great deal wiser after my sermon, but they are always a great deal older."
Health & Safety
Test
I failed a Health and Safety
course at work today. One of the questions was: "In the event
of a fire, what steps would you take?" "Great big ones"
was apparently the wrong answer.
Out With the New
Getting back together with an old boyfriend is pathetic.
It’s like having a garage sale and buying your own stuff back.
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