Friday's Funnies

Highest Number

Recently while we were eating lunch after church one Sunday, my youngest son asked me what the highest number I had ever counted up to was. I said I didn't know. Then I asked him how high he has counted. "5,372," came the prompt reply. "Oh," I said. "Why did you stop there?" His matter-of-fact reply: "The sermon was over."

Great Place

At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas. After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man. "Say, is this really a healthy place?" "It sure is," the man replied. "When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed." "That's wonderful!" said Bill. "How long have you been here?" "I was born here."

The Children of Israel

In Sunday School one morning little Joey raised his hand and proceeded to ask a question that had perplexed him for some time. "Mr. Johnson," said little Joey, "there's something I can't figure out. According to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?" "Right." "And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?" "Er, right." "And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?" "Again you're right." "And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?" "All that is right, too," agreed Mr. Johnson. "So what's your question, Joey?" "What were all the grown-ups doing?"

HEALTH MESSAGE

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so. It's the tortoise life for me!

Rainy Day Hanger

One rainy evening, a couple emerged from a restaurant only to find that they had locked the keys in the car. The husband insisted he could open the door with a wire coat hanger, so we went back to the restaurant to get one. There were none to be found.  The husband then ran to a department store a few blocks away and returned with a hanger. After a few attempts, he got the door open and they both climbed in.  As they sat there, soaked and cold, he stuck the hanger under his seat. With a smug grin, he said, “Now if this ever happens again, I’ll have one.”

Milk and eggs

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."  A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"  He replied, "They had eggs."

RULES OF THE AIR FOR PILOTS

~ Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

~ If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

~ It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

~ A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

~ Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

~ There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

~ You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

~ Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

~ Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

~ The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you and a tenth of a second ago.

Educational toy

The young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy. “Isn’t it rather complicated for a small boy?” she asked the salesclerk.  “It’s designed to teach the child how to live in today’s world, madam,” the shop clerk replied. “Any way he tries to put it together is wrong.”