Friday's Funnies

Quiz

Can you answer all seven of the following questions with the same word? The answer is at the end of Friday’s Funnies.

1. The word has seven letters

2. Preceded God

3. Greater than God

4. More evil than the devil

5. All poor people have it

6. Wealthy people need it

7. If you eat it, you will die

The Golf Pro

About four or five years ago I was standing in a ticket line at the airport and a fellow in line parallel to mine had a golf bag slung over his shoulder. Since the line was long and airline ticketing is a slow process at best, we struck up a conversation. He brightened when I admired his golf bag, and he proudly stated that he was on the PGA Tour. Then he turned to me and asked the question all golfers ask: "Do you play?" I shook my head, "I used to, but I quit because I wasn't very good. I shot consistently in the lower seventies." There was a long, low in-take of breath, then "The lower seventies?" "Yes," I admitted. "Consistently?" he queried admiringly. "Every hole."

Dust to Dust

A little boy asked the parish priest a question.

Little Boy: “Father I heard you once say that we all came from dust.”

Parish priest, “That’s right I did say that”.

Little boy: “And Father I heard you say that when we die we go back to dust.”

Parish Priest: “That’s right, I did say that. I am glad you were listening so very well”.

Little Boy: “Well Father I think you should come to my place and look under my bed because someone is either coming or going”!

Knowing The Score

My five-year-old nephew wanted to caddy for my brother's golf game. "You have to count my strokes," my brother told him. "How much is six plus nine plus eight?" "Five," answered the nephew. "Okay," my brother said, "let's go."

Comforting words

A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation.  A nurse stopped him and asked, “What’s the matter?”  He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry. I’m sure it will be all right.’”  “She was just trying to comfort you. What’s so frightening about that?”  “She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!”

PARAPROSDOKIANS

Here is the definition: "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."

1. Never argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

3. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

4. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

5. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

7. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

8. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

11. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

12. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

16. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

17. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

18. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

Answer to earlier quiz:

The word “Nothing”