Friday's Funnies

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR HOSPITAL IS MAKING COST-SAVINGS CUTS

10. They encourage your Facebook friends to 'like' one of your surgery options

9. Rescue helicopter also does traffic reports for local radio station

8. Paper or plastic colostomy bags

7. Discount drug bins on every floor

6. Etch-a-Sketch X-Rays

5. Guy from Office Depot now stapling up surgery patients

4. Pull start heart-lung machines

3. Shaking bag of chicken bones at wound now considered a 2nd opinion

2. Nurse pull cord replaced with friend request on their Facebook page

1. Coin-Operated I.V.s

Bumpy flight

A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm. As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asked, “Reverend, you’re a man of God, can’t you do something about this storm?”  To which he replied, “Lady, I’m in sales, not management.”

Redeemed

While handing a 25-cent-off coupon to the supermarket clerk at the checkout counter, a woman inadvertently missed her hand, and the coupon slipped beneath the scale and was gone. The checker looked distressed, so I the woman said, "That's Okay, it's in coupon heaven now." "Coupon heaven?", the checker said. "Yes", the woman said, "That's where coupons go when they die." "Only the redeemed ones!" said the checker.

Tongue-Tied

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, köennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français?" he tries. The two continue to stare. "Parlaré Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Español?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language." "Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

Fine Tuning

Did you hear about the two radio antennas that got married?   The wedding was terrible, but the reception was excellent!

The Reason

He:  "I'm never going to work for that man again."
She:  "Why? What did he say?"
He:  "You're fired!"

Children do all the work

In Sunday School one morning Little Joey raised his hand and proceeded to ask a question that had perplexed him for some time.

"Mr. Goldblatt," said little Joey, "there's something I can't figure out.  According to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea,right?" 

"Right." 

"And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?" 

"Er, right." 

"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?" 

"Again you're right." 

"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?" 

"All that is right, too," agreed Mr. Goldblatt. "So what's your question, Joey?" 

"What were all the grown-ups doing?"

Bulletin Blooper

My appointment as pastor coincided with the church's appeal for aid for victims of a hurricane. Unfortunately, on my first Sunday in the parish, the center page of the church bulletin was accidentally omitted. So members of the congregation read from the bottom of the second page to the top of the last page— "Welcome to the Rev. Andrew Jensen and his family ... the worst disaster to hit the area in this century. The full extent of the tragedy is not yet known."

If life were like a PC:

-         You could add/remove someone in your life using the control panel.

-          You could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it!

-          You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings.

-          You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy.

-          You could click on “find” (Ctrl, F) to recover your lost remote control and car keys.

-          To get your daily exercise, just click on “run”!

-          If you mess up your life, you could always press “Ctrl, Alt, Delete” and start all over!