Friday's Funnies

That’s Not My Job

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.  There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.  Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody’s job.  Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.  It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have.

The Consultation


"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."
"OK: He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery."
"How can you know all that without even meeting him?"
"I thought you said he's 13?"


Hand Signals

A three-year-old regularly watched football games with his father. So much so, that he knew some of the signals the referee makes. On a recent Sunday, the three-year-old attended church with the family. As the pastor raised his hands high to offer a blessing, the child interrupted the service by shouting, "Touchdown!"

A Reasonable Fee

A man phones a lawyer and asks, “How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?”  The lawyer replies, “A thousand dollars.”  “A thousand dollars!” exclaims the man. “That’s very expensive isn’t it?”  “It certainly is,” says the lawyer. “Now, what’s your third question?”

Money’s worth

Patient: How much will it cost me to have this tooth extracted?

Dentist: $300

Patient: $300 for just a few minutes work?? That's expensive!

Dentist: Okay, I'll pull it out slowly if you prefer.

Outdoorsman

When the doctor asked Chuck about what he did yesterday, he told him about his day: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from a mountain lion in the heavy brush, marched up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake."  Inspired by his story, the doctor exclaimed, "Chuck, you must be an awesome outdoorsman!"  "No," Chuck replied, "I'm just a lousy golfer."

I have contacts

A policeman pulled a female driver over and asked to see her license.  After looking it over, he said to her, “Lady, it stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses.”  “Well, I have contacts,” the woman replied.  “Look lady, I don’t care who you know,” snapped the officer. “You’re getting a ticket.”

Choosing a Pet

A man wanted a pet for his daughter. She had been getting good grades at school, and was helping out around the house without protest. He went to the local pet shop to see what they had.  He looked at a baby rabbit, a baby chick and a baby duck. They were all very cute, but he decided to buy the baby chick.  Do you know why?  It was a little cheeper!

Alabama

Bubba and Billy Joe are walking down the street in Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, pants $2.50 each. Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe , Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Sand Mountain , sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from Alabama." They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there pants at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and...." The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from North Alabama , ain' t ya?" "Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba...."How come you knowed that? "Because this is a dry-cleaners."

At the doctor

I went to my doctor yesterday. After a long wait in the outer office, my name was finally called. When I got into the examining room, the nurse pointed to the scale and said, “I need to get your weight today.”  I immediately replied, “One hour and 5 minutes.”

Telephone call

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.  “Wow!” said her father, “That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?”  “Wrong number…” replied the girl.