Friday's Funnies

Love Letters

After being married for fifty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her slowly, then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K." "What does that mean?" she inquired. He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot." She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely. But what about I, J, K?" He said, "I'm Just Kidding!" He will have his missing teeth replaced as soon as the swelling in his face goes down.

Bottle Blues

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle, the phone rang, so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Getting an exasperated glance from her mother, the little girl told the minister, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

Jurisprudence

The brilliant lawyer F. E. Smith once defended a bus driver against claims that his negligence had caused injury to a young man's arm. "Will you please show us how high you can lift your arm now?" Smith asked the plaintiff. The young man obediently raised his arm to shoulder level, his face contorted with apparent pain. "Thank you," said Smith. "And now, please, will you show us how high you could lift it before the accident?" The man's arm shot above his head.

SIGNS YOUR TRAVEL AGENT HAS MISLED YOU

~ On your descent into Auckland, you catch a glimpse of the Golden Gate Bridge.

~ You've driven halfway around New Zealand and have yet to see a single Hobbit.

~ "Alabamastan" ain't really a country in Eastern Europe.

~ Sun? Check.  Sand? Check. Carrying an M16 while being shouted at by a drill sergeant? Uh-oh.

~ The "Transylvania" tour is nothing but a visit to a Polish union town in Ohio led by a couple of Goth chicks.

~ It turns out that Cawker City, Kansas, only has the world's "second" largest ball of twine!

~ As you board the plane, you find the "occupied" sign is up on your "private cabin."

Church offering

A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the atmosphere, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make an offering.  “Great idea!” the chicken replied. “Let’s offer them ham and eggs!”  “Not so fast,” said the pig. “For you, that’s an offering. For me, it’s a sacrifice.”

Places I'd like to go

I have been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips, thanks to my friends and family.

Stay!

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup had fresh air.  She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?"  "Stay! Stay!"  The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look, and said, "Why don't you just put it in 'Park'?"

Getting Older

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?”  

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!

Funny Cap

A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items.

Near the cash register he saw a display of caps with "WWJD" printed on all of them.  He was puzzled over what the letters could mean, but couldn't figure it out, so he asked the clerk.

The clerk replied that the letters stood for "What Would Jesus Do," and was meant to inspire people to not make rash decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the same situation.

The man thought a moment and then replied, "Well, I'm sure Jesus wouldn't pay $17.95 for one of these caps."