Friday's Funnies

Black Friday
You know you're American when you line up at 3am on Black Friday so that you can save $5 at Walmart!

Thanksgiving Shorts

• What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy, I'm stuffed!
• Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of foul play!
• Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside!
• Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building? Yes. A building can't jump at all!
• If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims!
• What type of music did the Pilgrims like? Plymouth Rock!
• Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!
• What key has legs and can't open doors? A turkey!
• What's the best thing to put into pumpkin pie? Your teeth!

Fall Harvest

A farmer and the hired hand he had recently brought on to help with the harvest were having a fine, full breakfast one day at the height of crop-gathering. They were both busily gulping down coffee, eggs, biscuits, gravy, and all the bacon they could eat. Thinking of all the work they had to do that day, the farmer remarked, "You know, this is probably going to be our lunch, too." The hired hand just nodded, refilled his plate, and continued eating. A short time later, the farmer says offhandedly, "We've got so much work to do today, this may well have to be our supper, too." The hired man grunts his understanding, takes a last few bites, then pushes back from the table, loosens his suspenders and takes off his boots. "What are you doing?" the farmer asks. The hired man replied, "I don't work after supper."

Generous Giver

A teenager was sitting in church, and when the collection late was passed around, he quickly pulled a dollar bill from his pocket and dropped it in. Just then, the person behind him tapped him on his shoulder and handed him a $20 bill. The boy smiled, placed the $20 in the plate, and passed it on, admiring the man's generosity. Then the boy felt another tap from behind and heard a whisper: "Son," the man said, "that was your $20 bill that had fallen out of your pocket."
How Convenient

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?" "No," her mother replied. "Well, I think I have to throw up!" "Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" Mom asked. "Yes." "How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'"

Generation Gap

A big mouth college student challenged a senior citizen saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his world. "You grew up in a different world," the student said. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers, the internet..." Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the senior said, "You're right sonny. We didn't have those things when we were young — so we invented them! What are YOU doing for the next generation?"

Deep Point To Ponder

How would we measure hail without golf balls?

Girl of his dreams

A young man in college called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the girl of his dreams. Now what should he do? His mother had an idea: “Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?” He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the girl came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone. “I was totally humiliated,” he moaned. “She insisted on washing the dishes.” “What’s wrong with that?” asked his mother. “We hadn’t started eating yet.”

Address

When my eight-year-old sister came to visit, I took a day off from my job at the Pentagon and showed her the Lincoln Memorial. There she saw a large block of text—273 words long—etched into the monument. "What's that?" she asked. "Lincoln's Gettysburg Address," I told her. "If that's his address, how does he get any mail?"

Why Dogs Can’t Use Computers

• They’re distracted by cats chasing the mouse.
• It was hard enough to learn SIT and STAY; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.
• They suffer from carpal paw syndrome.
• The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.
• They attack the screen when they hear “You’ve Got Mail.”
• It’s too messy to “mark” every website they visit.
• They want to stick their heads out of Windows 7.

New word definition

COFFEE- the person upon whom someone coughs
ABDICATE- to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach
NEGLIGENT- when you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown
GARGOYLE- olive flavored mouthwash
FLATULENCE- emergency vehicle that picks you up after being run over
BALDERDASH- a rapidly receding hairline

Mighty Chickens

NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl. French engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the French engineers. When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot's backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin. The horrified Frenchmen send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design. The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."

Fitness Tip

The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.