Friday's Funnies

Running Around

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by Eve poking him in the chest. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," Eve huffed.

Fired

In Washington, D.C., the application form for federal employment includes this question: "Why did you leave your previous employment?" One applicant, a former U.S. Congressman, responded: "The express wish of 116,000 voters."

Communications

A manager has to take on some sport by his doctor so he decides to play tennis. After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing. "It's going fine," the manager says. "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says, 'To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!'" "Really? What happens then?" the girl asks enthusiasticly. "Then my body says, 'Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!'"

Signs You're Drinking Too Much Coffee

• Starbucks is accepting bids for a franchise located in your house.
• The National Bank of Columbia has offered you a Platinum Visa card with zero percent interest. • Folgers has offered you a "distributors" franchise for your block.
• Your co-workers are getting rich buying stock in companies that manufacture foam coffee cups. • You just went to the store and bought ten cases of non-diary creamer "to get you through the week."
• You haven't slept in a week and no one notices, not even you.
• You find yourself sneezing Folger's Crystals.
• Juan Valdez starts sending you hand-written Thank You notes.
• You eat garlic to overcome coffee breath.
• Your dentist upgrades to a belt sander.
• Auctioneers begin to make sense.
And the number 1 Sign You've Had Too Much Coffee...
• YYoouu ssttaarrtt ttyyppiinng lliikkee tthhiiss..

Little Larry

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture? "

New Airport Security

The Dutch are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports.

They have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.

They see this as a Win-Win for every one and there would be none of this junk about racial profiling. This method would also eliminate the costs of a long and expensive trial.

Justice would be quick and swift. Case Closed !

This is so simple....that it's brilliant. I can see it now. You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system:

"Attention standby passengers - we now have a seat available on flight number........"

Airline Fees

With airlines adding fees to fees, The Week magazine asked its readers to predict the next surcharge they'll levy for something previously free.

1. In the unlikely event of loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down. To start the flow of oxygen, simply insert your credit card …

2. $100 On-Time Departure Fee; $25 Delay Complaint Fee.

3. View seating (formerly window seats), $10; Access seating (formerly aisle seats), $10; $20 to use roll-away stairs to enter or exit the aircraft in lieu of no-charge rope-ladder alternative.

4. $9 fee for bumping your head on the overhead bin as you take your seat; $3 additional penalty for looking up at the bin after you bump into it.

I Just Don’t Get It

I don’t get these people who, instead of buying a four- or an eight- pack of toilet paper, buy a single, individual roll. Are they trying to quit?