Friday's Funnies

Refreshing

The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal. Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, "Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful -so invigorating and inspiring and refreshing." The minister of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the man add, "I felt like a new man when I woke up!"

Just Before I Die

Showing his friend around his home, Jennings pointed out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage. "The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth." "Well," his friend replied, "since you couldn't possibly know the day before you're going to die, you'll never be able to sell!" "And that's where you're wrong," the man smiled. "If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"

The Music Critic

An anthropologist went to study a far-flung tropical island. He found a guide with a canoe to take him upriver to the remote site where he would make his observations. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. The anthropologist asked his guide, "What are those drums?" The guide turned to him and said, "Drums okay, but VERY BAD when they stop." As they traveled the drums grew louder and louder. The anthropologist was nervous, but the guide merely repeated, "Drums okay. Drums not bad. When drums stop, then very bad!" Then the drums suddenly stopped. Terrified, the anthropologist yelled to the guide: "The drums stopped! What now?" The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, "Guitar solo."

Words Of Wisdom

After finishing an out-of-town errand, I discovered that my car wouldn't start because it was out of gas. A passer-by told me there was a service station a half-mile away, so I took a gas can from the trunk and trudged the distance in the sweltering sun. The attendant filled my two-gallon can, and I lugged it back and poured the gas into the tank. But when I tried to unlock the car door, it wouldn't open. Just then, I noticed an identical old car parked a short distance away. That was my car; I had filled a stranger's gas tank. Wearily I walked back to the station. "You know," the attendant suggested helpfully, "instead of walking back and forth to fill the tank from the can, you could put a couple of gallons in the tank and then drive the car here."
Welcome Sign
"Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen."

MALE VS FEMALE AT THE CASH MACHINE

It's a proven fact that males and females sometimes approach the same task in fundamentally different ways. After many months of careful research by the banking industry, Male & Female procedures have been developed to help for quicker processing of transactions at ATM machines. You should expect to start seeing these procedures posted at ATM machines in your area in the near future.

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Lower your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter the amount of cash you want to withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Raise window.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required distance to align car window with the ATM machine.
3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate ATM card.
5. Tell the person you are talking to on your cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN .
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror while request is processing.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check book and place receipt in back of it.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on mobile cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Hand Brake.

The Difference Between an Optimist and a Pessimist

"What's the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?" I asked my husband. He thought for a minute before responding, "An optimist is the guy who created the airplane. A pessimist is the guy who created the parachute."