Friday's Funnies

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.

New Diet
Breakfast
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

Lunch
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken
1 cup spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey's kiss

Afternoon Tea
1 The rest of the Hershey Kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate chips

Dinner
4 glasses of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 Snickers Bars

Late Night Snack
1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

You might be a school employee if...

· You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:30 and have summers off."
· It is difficult to name your own child because there's no name you can come up with that doesn't bring high blood pressure as it is uttered.
· You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."
· You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling and are willing to donate the U-HAUL boxes should they decided to move out of district.
· You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
· You believe the playground should be equipped with a Ritalin salt lick.
· You can't imagine how the ACLU could think that covering your student's chair with Velcro and then requiring uniforms made out of the corresponding Velcro could ever be misunderstood by the public.
· Meeting a child's parent instantly answers this question, "Why is this kid like this?"
· You would choose a tooth filling over a parent conference.
· You know how many days, minutes, and seconds are left in the school year.

Ants
A garden center customer picks up a container of insecticide and asks the salesperson, "Is this good for red ants?" "No," says the salesperson. "It'll kill 'em!"

In Fairness...
The Great Lakes Laboratory employed a licensed boat captain to man its research vessel. Reportedly, the captain couldn't swim. A newcomer, learning of this, approached him about it. "Is it true?" the newcomer asked incredulously. "You, a boat captain, can't swim?" "No, I can't," the captain replied. "Can airline pilots fly?"

Defensive Driving Course
One of my co-workers got a speeding ticket and was attending a defensive-driving course to have points erased from his license. The instructor, a police officer, emphasized that being on time was crucial and that the classroom doors would be locked when each session began. Just after one class started, someone knocked on the locked door. The officer opened it and asked, "Why are you late?" The student replied, "I was trying not to get another ticket." The officer let him in.

Looking Ahead
The young man ahead of my father at the flower shop was taking an unusually long time to place his order. When the clerk asked how she could help, he explained that his girlfriend was turning 19 and he couldn't decide whether to give her a dozen roses or 19 roses — one for each year of her life. The woman put aside her business judgment and advised, "She may be your 19-year-old girlfriend now, but someday she could be your 50-year-old wife." The young man bought a dozen roses.

Tact
A sales clerk asked his boss how to handle people who complained about the current prices compared to the low prices in the good old days. "Just act surprised and tell them you didn't think that they were old enough to remember them."

Why Dogs Can’t Use Computers
1. He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse.
2. SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.
3. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
4. Three words: carpal paw syndrome.
5. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he's browsing www.purina.com instead of working.
6. The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.
7. He can't help attacking the screen when he hears “You've Got Mail”.
8. It's too messy to “mark” every Web site he visits.
9. The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms.
10. He can't stick his head out of Windows.